…
See, we never talked about my feelings, my dreams, or what really mattered to me.
And if we somehow briefly touched on the topic, it was just lip-service.
Yadda yadda yadda.
I like believing in people.
A lot.
So for years, I believed in him.
Still, as time went on, it became clearer and clearer he wasn’t gonna do anything major or break his comfort zones.
Sucks.
And here we were, walking side by side again, me forgetting all past history, enjoying the moment, and believing, once again, that he’d grown and changed.
And it’s cool, I like that about me.
I like encouraging people.
I like seeing them as equals, on the same page.
But what if they show you the opposite over and over and over.
What if they show you the bare minimum?
What if they’d rather hang on to old ideas, old circles of friends, old choices and old egos?
Then what do you, walking side-by-side?
***
Try twice as hard & I’m half as liked.
I’ve taught a lot of people a lot of things.
Sometimes over coffee, sometimes in a conference room.
Some understood a little, some understood a lot.
When someone understands us only a little, it usually feels funny at best and painfully frustrating at worst.
At least that’s how it feels for me.
And for years anytime someone clearly wasn’t on the same page, wasn’t up to speed, and almost seemed uninterested in understanding me — I thought it was my fault.
I like to give, especially knowledge and wisdom.
Taking responsiblity for others laziness, ignorance, or plain "not-being-readiness" was painful.
Because it wasn’t my fault.
That’s life.
Not everyone we talk to will understand us.
A couple cases in particular, I just kept pouring on the love. Repeating the ideas, re-phrasing them. Teaching with words, teaching with example. Giving them space to learn on their own, and more.
And I’m not talking about teaching them how to tie shoelaces. I’m talking about teaching them how to trust themselves, their heart. Teaching them deeper understandings of life. Teaching them easier, lessons that I had to learn SO HARD.
And what did I get for my efforts?
Betrayal. Distance. Coldness.
And it was my mistake. If they’re not gonna admit the relationship is clearly unbalance, we have to.
"I wish I was strong enough to life not one, but both of us." – Taylor Swift
And that’s cool, they’re not ready to offer understanding love and compassion anyway 
But they will be
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." – Albert Einstein
They won’t remain ‘mediocre minds’ forever.
They’re growing.
I’ve learned something important through all this though, which is:
- Not everyone is at your level of understanding, and vice-versa.
- sOthers may not get you right now, but they will.
- They’ll get you, but not likely on your timeline, and probably not while they’re in your life, and that kind sucks.
Funny shit, I know.
You’re playing catch with a loser.
Look, this isn’t about judging people, this is about setting up a great game.
Er…
A great conversation.
Have you ever played a game where the teams are completely and totally unbalanced?
It’s not fun for the losers, who get their asses handed to them, and it’s not fun for the winners, who are yawning their way to victory, and secretly hoping the next game is at least a BIT more balanced.
Well the same thing goes for a conversation.
You have 2 people, each with a certain ‘skill level’ – their Understanding.
Person A is the pitcher, he has a bit more understanding, and some wisdom to offer.
Person A has ‘the ball’.
Person B, has a desire to learn. They’ve got the ‘catchers mitt’.
And then we have language. Words. Images. Some kind of communication medium.
(That’s the ball.)
Sounds great right?
Well… yes, unless it’s too heavily unbalanced.
If it’s unbalanced, Person A tries harded and harder to communicate perfectly. With no results.
Person B tried to understand as best they can, but they haven’t had enough practice, or lived enough experence to really ‘get’ anything.
They’re shitty ‘catchers’.
You’re playing the game with a loser.
No hate, that’s just how it is.
Not every human being has the same level of understanding. It’s a big planet, we have variety.
They might get better, but do you have that kind of time?
Turns out I spent much of my life hanging out with losers 
I’m kidding
But it does turn out that I was ignorant and blind to the fact that my words were falling of deaf ears.
I didn’t realize that no matter what awesomeness I communicated, it was automatically being ‘dumbed down’ and ‘misunderstood’ by others.
Heh.
And you know what ‘misunderstanding’ feels like?
It feels like haters.
It feels like anti-support.
It feels like a giant waste of time.
Like… "why am I even wasting breath on you? You get nothing!"
It’s really f***ing frustrating.
So, I wanna help you.
I wanna help you recognize the haters, and spot those who won’t understand you, and trying to help them understand will just drain you.
Here we go.
Hating’s an art, how’s your eye?
Here are seven types of haters that take it to the next level, get familiar and get rid of ‘em.
"Ya ever feel like your train of thought’s been derailed?
That’s when you press on – Lee nails
Half the population’s just waitin to see me fail
Yeah right, you’re better off trying to freeze hell" – Gym Class Heroes, The Fighter
Silents
Consistent, silent discouragement of your dream.
These guys think that if they ignore your dream and talk about other things, it’ll go away. They lead to the next group. Sadly these are often people’s family + friends.
What you might say to ‘em: "I’m too busy to chill, sorry."
What you wanna say to ‘em: "Look, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but my #1 passion, is something we never discuss. If it’s not important to you, I understand, but I’m gonna go towards people who love what I’ve devoted my life to, it just makes sense. Nothing personal, have a nice life."
Quicksilvers
Quick topic changes.
These guys never engage you on your dreams, either. These guys know that they have to talk to you in order to keep you around, but they just change the subject as quick as possible from your dreams.
They’re mercurial, like quicksilver.
They change topics so slickly you barely even notice it, and for a while, you feel understood — but it’s a trick.
What you might say: "F*** you man, if you really GOT this, you’d change!"
What you wanna say: "Uh, dude, I could be imagining it, but it seems like any time I talk about [blank], we end up getting distracted and changing the topic. The thing is, that doesn’t happen with everyone else, only you. So if there’s something that’s stopping you from sticking with my favorite topic for more than like, five seconds, let’s go our separate ways until you get that solved."
Hole-Pokers
These guys habitually attempt to poke holes in an early dream.
You know, when you have hopes and dreams but you’re not quite at the "I know HOW to do it" phase yet?
Like you’re sharing a vulnerable idea, something you’d like to see happen, and they’re immediately like: "How the f*** will you do it? Will that work? What will you do about [blank]?"
If you listen to them, you’ll give up immediately cuz they make it look impossible.
What you might say: "Holy fuck, do you have one helpful suggestion, or do you just poke holes?"
What you wanna say: "I get that in your life, you haven’t been able to achieve your dreams because of a million little details, and you think that I need to sort out all mine in order to succeed, but that’s not how life works. We figure stuff out as we go along, so unless you can encourage me along, let’s take a break from each other."
Doubters
Throwing negative stats and probabilities at your dream; speaking with doubt and hesitation about your dream.
Oh, that’s okay, right? People should be allowed to express doubt!
Well sure, once in a while, but these guys live in doubt, and because they’ve never really accomplished much, or accomplished anything on the level you’re attempting, they just dont see it as a viable option.
You gotta trust your gut, not the doubters.
What you might say: "Okay! Okay, I get it! My dream’s f***ing impossible, all statisticss point to no — I should just give up. God, I get it. Shut up."
What you wanna say: "Dude, do you want a hug? I know you’ve never accomplished anything on the level I’m attempting, but that doesn’t excuse you throwing doubt in my face. If you can’t openly support a friend’s dream, even f it’s a big one, you’re not much of a friend."
Non-Committers
These guys talk a good game. They talk about your dream. They even do bare-minimum things to ‘help’ you, but it’s a trick. And eventually you’ll figure it out.
They’re really just holding you back. You spend time and energy with them, thinking that they’re on board and along for the ride, but really they’re looking for a free ride.
They don’t believe that they’re powerful or valuable — but they can tell that you’re a way to get things, emotions, and experiences that they want — so they manipulate events and conversations to keep you around, without ever really growing out of their comfort zones or contributing for real.
What you might say: "Damn, it’s hopeless dude. I thought we could do this together but, I give up. I tried."
What you wanna say: "Okay, this is it – last chance – if you can’t deliver results, by X time, we’re calling it quits relationship-wise — you need to go find your place in the world, wherever that is, and rock it."
Leeches
These people eagerly and hungrily gobble up every gift you have to offer, and do basically nothing with it.
They take your time, energy, and resources and will usually offer "food" or "company" or "a fake ear" in return.
This is not a healthy exchange, and it is slowly killing your dream with every interaction.
Anti-Harmonizers
These guys are bad apples, flys in the ointment, but they often seem like they’re helpers. They’re clearly not on the same page, and have no interest in being there.
You can tell because every conversation’s a power-struggle.
Your chats don’t really energize you and they definitely don’t lead to tons of good work and mutual accomplishment.
The consistent power struggles, debates, and arguments with you and your dream, even if the person means well, are killer.
What you might say: "Why does everything have to be resistance? Why is it always a debate, a fight, an argument? You just don’t get it! I don’t know how many times I have to explain it. God."
What you wanna say: "You’re not even trying man. You care way too much about being right and your cushy life, instead of understanding and succeeding together.
You’re not listening to me or my values or gifts. You’re not interested in learning from me, you’re interested in drama and power-struggles. You’re interested in showing off and proving you’rer right, or sticking to your views and way of life.
That’s cool, there’s room for everyone’s way, but not with me.
I’m not sure why you keep coming around me to start some shit — probably because I’m valuable and successful — but you need to go find your corner of the world."
Classic Haters
These are the one’s that speak out about you in public, spam hate on your projects, and generally can’t shut up about you.
You know what, don’t say anything, don’t give ‘em attention, in general, be thankful because in a complex world where no one can be found, they are some of your most passionate lighthouses and sign posts.
Any great controversy or hate-campaign tends to work out well for the person trying to help the world, and doesn’t really do much for the hater.
"It’s for the best you didn’t listen
It’s for the best we get our distance… oh…" – Fun, Some Nights
So there you have it!
The 7 types of haters that are probably around you, in your life, breathing the same air as you, and you may not even have known it.
…and back to Jude.
He fit various categories above, so I let him go. I’m never derailed from my vision, but he’s derailed from anything and everything, including our friendship, but the slightest bump.
Not on the same page, and he shows no interest in getting on the same page.
Time to go.
Keep in mind this isn’t every kind of hater, they show up in all shapes, sizes, and disguises, but it should be more than enough signs to be aware of, and hopefully you’ll be able to put your foot down with yours sooner than I did.
To help with this, try and spread this article so it reaches the people who are being held down by haters right this minute!
And what about you? Any hater experiences? Lemme know in the comments and let’s get a discussion going
- Angry
- Appreciated
- Inspired
- Amused
- Enlightened
- Happy
About 
I got one: the saboteur.
This hater hangs out and listens to your dreams, encourages them, helps with small tasks… but then they also go around quietly but purposefully derailing shit. They make false reports about you to authorities, or advise specific people not to trust you. Trouble is, it can take a long time before this information gets back to you.
I’ve only encountered one of these so far, but the sneak attacks almost drove me out of my fricking mind. I was mistrustful of almost everyone for a while after that.
Oooohhh, that’s a great addition. I’ve had false reports made about me, and I’ve had people advised specifically not to trust me. I’ve experienced it, it’s kinda lame. (Though I had a different reaction
)
Always great insight from ya, Soph, thanks again
Saboteur? I’ve experienced the saboteur as well. Pain in the ass isn’t it?
As far as things go, I definitely relate to much of what was said in the overall post. I can’t explain it, but I definitely have had my own share of haters over the past few months and years. The crazy thing is, most people don’t realize they’re haters.
For example, my ‘hating’ style, if you will, is doubter. I might doubt that someone can do something… usually I’m hating on myself. I was just reflecting that, before anyone else, your own biggest obstacle is learning to get over yourself, the voices and doubts in your head.
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Rock on, Lauryn!
You definitely get it.
Why’s there so many haters? Does anyone wake up and think “yeah, I wanna hate on something today.”
No!
But if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love others. The greatest tool here is self-awareness and development.
So this article, hopefully increases people\s self-awareness
Jason “J-Ryze” Fonceca is sharing: Blog For Belonging; Cry For Connection
Hey Ryze
Good post. I didn’t realise you could even categories “haters.” They’re 8 after including Sophia’s Saboteur. But you are right. Hate can come in so many forms.
The sad part, is that I truly believe everyone has the potential of being hater.
Why? Well, it’s like, the problem with “hating” is that is starts with envy. It might sound stupid, but a lot of folk say they envy so-and-so’s this, or so-and-so’s that. They might even envy that particular so-and-so. However, most folk would never admit they’re jealous of a person. They may say it as a joke, but a lot of folk will say they’re envious. People are very comfortable saying that. “I envy x, y, z”
The strange part is that, envy is worse than jealousy. At least just a tad:
I got this from dictionary.reference.com:
“Envy denotes a longing to possess something awarded to or achieved by another: to feel envy when a friend inherits a fortune. ”
“Jealousy, on the other hand, denotes a feeling of resentment that another has gained something that one more rightfully deserves: to feel jealousy when a coworker receives a promotion.”
The problem with envy is that if a person, even a good person becomes envious of someone for something they have, that desire to take it away from the person, it brings out this hateful attitude. I’ve seen this where someone longs for something he can’t have, so he hates the person for having it, and the horrible thing is, the innocent person has no idea why they get such a bad reception or worse, bad treatment, and the innocent person hasn’t technically done anything wrong.
Instead, we should be happy with what we have, and have a good attitude for what others have. If we want something, then we should go get it ourselves. A lot of the time, especially now we are in the recession, I hear folks talking about what others have got monetarily. Sometimes, you hear the fairness in their arguments when certain individuals syphon off more than the cream for themselves. However, the number of times folks make sly comments, and I would consider them good people, about folks making so much a year when so many are broke.
While I think it’s good to recognise the haters out there, I like the idea of looking inwardly, and making sure that I’m not falling into that habit. I believe the lesson is for folks not to envy one another, or desire something that someone else has so much, that he ends up hating that person for it. It’s not nice being on the receiving end of hate, but it’s not good for me to envy anyone either, because that’s the beginnig. I felt myself envying another musician, and then I stopped and thought, he’s great at what he does. Just praise his abilities. At first, praising his talents was like eating rocks, but now it flows so easily. We get a long incredibly well considering we both didn’t praise one another.
A great way to combat hate is to praise the person, and be genuine about it, because that’s where hate comes from. An admiration for what someone has, so why keep it secret. My grandma brought me up on those principles, and so far, it has stood til now.
No one has to be a hater!
Great post Ryze,
And super apologies for the lonnnggg comment.
That’s what happens after being on hiatus lol.
G
Wow, Gemma! Fantastic contribution
Everyone has such great ideas and experiences on this.
The categories are kind of arbitrary, I just outlined them to help people get a handle on some of the different disguises that show up, ’cause a lot of times people think haters are only trash-talkers.
You’ve gotten down to the core of things, Gemma.
You call it envy, I call it ‘lack’ or ‘shortage’.
People only hate when they fear something they want is inaccessible
You also outlined a fantastic solution — if you’re referring to another human being and you can’t find some praise to express toward them, something’s up.
Every person is valuable and deserving of praise, and there’s lots there to work with if we want
Dont worry about long comments. Refined, well-thought expression like this that goes deeper is totally appreciated.
Jason “J-Ryze” Fonceca is sharing: The 7 Types Of Haters (That Are Breathing Your Air!)
Haha.
I think it’s the longest comment I’ve ever made lol. So I’m glad you’re not mad! 
And it’s true what you say when we fear something is inaccessible, or we feel we’ve been short changed by life and someone’s had it easy. Kind’a like The Dark Knight Rises, where everyone starts taking over the rich and criminalising them. How insane was that! Very poignant story for a comic book saga. Goodness me. :O
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And yep, exactly like the Dark Knight scene. Funny things like 50% or more of theater is cheering at that lol
Ryze loves rich life
Jason “J-Ryze” Fonceca is sharing: Pop Songs Own My Soul (Do They Own Yours?)
Fantastic post and such deep comments. I’m with Gemma on this one and think that envy can nurture hate.
I’m struggling with my one and only real life friendship which is so one sided I see very little value in it but would hate (there’s that word again) to hurt the person in question by ending it. as I’m quite sure she can’t see what she’s doing. Do you think that by excusing and forgiving hateful behaviour over the years makes the condition worse? Now I can categorise the destructive comments, the bitchy remarks and even the dismissal of anything I have to say, I’m just trying to think of exactly which category the attention seeking tantrum comes into when someone isn’t getting their own way.
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Thanks so much, Carolyn! I’m thrilled you’re feelin’ it
I’m also thrilled you *understand* it. (sometimes no matter how clear I am, people want to take things the wrong way
)
“Not wanting to hurt people” is mainly why I hung around in all my shitty relationships too, I have a LOT of experience with this and have written many posts about it (links if you want).
The category most prone to attention-seeking temper tantrums are the leeches who see you as valuable and will do anything to “hang on” to you. They’ll create any drama that looks like it’ll milk even one more day out of you. It’s not mean, it’s just the only way they know how to succeed, if they don’t realize their own value, power, and abilities – and realize they don’t need to rely on or attach to you.
As for for forgiving + excusing… well…
The thing is, you’re hurting them either way:
If you stay in the relationship and don’t take a stand — you’re letting them remain ignorant and depriving them of a super important growth lesson, and they’ll remain a leech-y hater, possibly forever. They’ll be hurt by this in big ways, but probably not realize it.
If you speak up and take a stand, you deprive them of their ‘gravy train’ and they stop Take Take Taking in 1-sided relationship, which sucks a bit for them, cuz they get pissed that they’re losing out — *this* way they _feel_ hurt too..
So that’s it. Every second you’re in the relationship, you’re holding them back from growth, and if you take a stand and end it, they’ll be pissed.
The real question is, ultimately, which choice hurts less and helps more?
Cuz you only have a couple choices, do what you’ve been doing, or take a stand and change things.
Finally, I LOVE that you’re here and contributing to the deep comments. I love how you’re so open, honest, and vulnerable with your story. I love that Ryze attracts deep, real, personal talk about stuff that matters. Thanks Carolyn
Jason “J-Ryze” Fonceca is sharing: The 7 Types Of Haters (That Are Breathing Your Air!)
Hey Carolyn,
What you’re saying is so true. A difficult dilemma. It’s hard when it’s your friends or family, when all you get is negativity when you’re on the up. It’s fear on their side mainly, that they’re not keeping up, or they’re going to lose you, or for whatever reason. If you can’t help them, use that negativity as fuel to keep going on ahead, especially if you want to remain friends with them. When folks are negative (without being atypical haters), at first it’s a knocker, but when I understand it’s to do with their insecurity, then I’m like, oh well, and just keep going.
Gemma is sharing: How To Theme Your Blog To Grab The Attention Of Your Visitors
Then you succeed regardless, and there comes a point where they “come back” and you get the choice of:
a. rub it in their face
b. embrace let their past hate not matter
c. be okay with it, but not really let em back into your life
Jason “J-Ryze” Fonceca is sharing: Pop Songs Own My Soul (Do They Own Yours?)
“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” – Albert Einstein
Comfort gives people a place in the world… Comfort allows people to feel OK about the mediocre decisions they’ve made… Comfort is what gets mediocre people through every day…
When you take them out of that comfort zone… When you tell them there is another way to live… You’ll telling them they’re wrong for living a comfortable mediocre life…
That’s when the hate begins…
If you go into your life understanding that Haterz Hate… And prepare yourself for it.
They can’t touch you.
Thanks Dude.
Hanley
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Ahhhh, Ryan! I *love* that quote
Heroes take us beyond our comfort zones, and that”s Ryze’s aim as well.
Expanding horizons and showing a new way to live
Can’t touch this
“You cant fade us, you hate us
I need you, stay there
I breath you, like air,
Air
Where are my haters,
I love all my haters
I love all my haters
I love all my haters ” – Jay-Z, Hate
Yo Jason,
I wish I couldn’t write what I’m about to write… But it’s the truth:
As I went through this post I was able to think of at least one person that fit every hater that you explained.
I’m not concerned about myself. I am real good at keeping my head up and pushing through whatever barriers come my way. My concern is for the haters, for their lives. Some of these people are my friends, or they were my friends.
I’m not going to go into an analysis or even question if I should stay close to these people. The answer is naturally playing itself out. As I move forward with my life I am trying to do bigger and bigger things. The more I try to do with my life, the more precious time becomes.
Simply put, EVERY SINGLE DAY MATTERS. If I have the option to meet a dude for lunch or to train (in martial arts) it’s a big decision. If I want to take my game to the next level I have to make sacrifices. If the dude’s a hater then I’m not going to to do what I don’t want to do. In other words, I’m choosing training.
There is a flip side to this post. It got me thinking who are those people that inspire me, that I just love having in my life? Who are “the lovers”? It’s amazing to me. The more I try to grow the more of these people I am meeting. It feels like over the past 2 years of my life all of these amazing people have come out from hiding. I’ll be the first to admit that when I meet someone like this I immediately try to connect with them.
Straight up honest and powerful post man.
Izzy is sharing: Are You Living A Lie?
I’m glad so many people in the community are feelin’ this. Thanks for such great feedback, Izzy.
I was a hater of my own for a while. It’s a phase. It’s okay
It has all kind of negative connotations, but it’s no big deal. Just recognize them and let them go, which you seem to be doing very well.
I LOVE your idea of a flipside, sequel post
I’d list Danny Iny, Alden Tan, Jennifer Price, Sonia Winland, Benjamin Jenks, Ryan Hanley,Peter Sandeen, Tommy Walker, and many, many more.
Jason “J-Ryze” Fonceca is sharing: Pop Songs Own My Soul (Do They Own Yours?)
I know exactly what you’re talking about it Jason. The way I see it there are only 5 types of people in this world:
1)The Refreshers – Those that strengthen your faith and energize you.
2)The Refiners – Those who sharpen you and clarify your vision.
3)The Reflectors – Those who mirror your energy, neither adding nor subtracting from it.
4)The Reducers – Those that try to diminish your goals and efforts to their own comfort level.
5) The Rejecters – Those who do not believe, understand or purposely try to look for a flaw in you plan; the one I like to call the “cynics”.
I make a conscious effort to only surround myself with 1 and 2 on this list.
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Oh my goodness, Hector.
This is fantastic.
Really great addition to the post, and enough to create a sequel lol
What I like best is your standards for only 1s + 2s. I’m the same
Keep ryzin’!
Jason “J-Ryze” Fonceca is sharing: Pop Songs Own My Soul (Do They Own Yours?)