See, we never talked about my feelings, my dreams, or what really mattered to me.
And if we somehow briefly touched on the topic, it was just lip-service.
Yadda yadda yadda.
I like believing in people.
So for years, I believed in him.
Still, as time went on, it became clearer and clearer he wasn’t gonna do anything major or break his comfort zones.
And here we were, walking side by side again, me forgetting all past history, enjoying the moment, and believing, once again, that he’d grown and changed.
And it’s cool, I like that about me.
I like encouraging people.
I like seeing them as equals, on the same page.
But what if they show you the opposite over and over and over.
What if they show you the bare minimum?
What if they’d rather hang on to old ideas, old circles of friends, old choices and old egos?
Then what do you, walking side-by-side?
Try twice as hard & I’m half as liked.
I’ve taught a lot of people a lot of things.
Sometimes over coffee, sometimes in a conference room.
Some understood a little, some understood a lot.
When someone understands us only a little, it usually feels funny at best and painfully frustrating at worst.
At least that’s how it feels for me.
And for years anytime someone clearly wasn’t on the same page, wasn’t up to speed, and almost seemed uninterested in understanding me — I thought it was my fault.
I like to give, especially knowledge and wisdom.
Taking responsiblity for others laziness, ignorance, or plain "not-being-readiness" was painful.
Because it wasn’t my fault.
Not everyone we talk to will understand us.
A couple cases in particular, I just kept pouring on the love. Repeating the ideas, re-phrasing them. Teaching with words, teaching with example. Giving them space to learn on their own, and more.
And I’m not talking about teaching them how to tie shoelaces. I’m talking about teaching them how to trust themselves, their heart. Teaching them deeper understandings of life. Teaching them easier, lessons that I had to learn SO HARD.
And what did I get for my efforts?
Betrayal. Distance. Coldness.
And it was my mistake. If they’re not gonna admit the relationship is clearly unbalance, we have to.
"I wish I was strong enough to life not one, but both of us." – Taylor Swift
And that’s cool, they’re not ready to offer understanding love and compassion anyway
But they will be
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." – Albert Einstein
They won’t remain ‘mediocre minds’ forever.
I’ve learned something important through all this though, which is:
- Not everyone is at your level of understanding, and vice-versa.
- sOthers may not get you right now, but they will.
- They’ll get you, but not likely on your timeline, and probably not while they’re in your life, and that kind sucks.
Funny shit, I know.
You’re playing catch with a loser.
Look, this isn’t about judging people, this is about setting up a great game.
A great conversation.
Have you ever played a game where the teams are completely and totally unbalanced?
It’s not fun for the losers, who get their asses handed to them, and it’s not fun for the winners, who are yawning their way to victory, and secretly hoping the next game is at least a BIT more balanced.
Well the same thing goes for a conversation.
You have 2 people, each with a certain ‘skill level’ – their Understanding.
Person A is the pitcher, he has a bit more understanding, and some wisdom to offer.
Person A has ‘the ball’.
Person B, has a desire to learn. They’ve got the ‘catchers mitt’.
And then we have language. Words. Images. Some kind of communication medium.
(That’s the ball.)
Sounds great right?
Well… yes, unless it’s too heavily unbalanced.
If it’s unbalanced, Person A tries harded and harder to communicate perfectly. With no results.
Person B tried to understand as best they can, but they haven’t had enough practice, or lived enough experence to really ‘get’ anything.
They’re shitty ‘catchers’.
You’re playing the game with a loser.
No hate, that’s just how it is.
Not every human being has the same level of understanding. It’s a big planet, we have variety.
They might get better, but do you have that kind of time?
Turns out I spent much of my life hanging out with losers
But it does turn out that I was ignorant and blind to the fact that my words were falling of deaf ears.
I didn’t realize that no matter what awesomeness I communicated, it was automatically being ‘dumbed down’ and ‘misunderstood’ by others.
And you know what ‘misunderstanding’ feels like?
It feels like haters.
It feels like anti-support.
It feels like a giant waste of time.
Like… "why am I even wasting breath on you? You get nothing!"
It’s really f***ing frustrating.
So, I wanna help you.
I wanna help you recognize the haters, and spot those who won’t understand you, and trying to help them understand will just drain you.
Here we go.
Hating’s an art, how’s your eye?
Here are seven types of haters that take it to the next level, get familiar and get rid of ‘em.
"Ya ever feel like your train of thought’s been derailed?
That’s when you press on – Lee nails
Half the population’s just waitin to see me fail
Yeah right, you’re better off trying to freeze hell" – Gym Class Heroes, The Fighter
Consistent, silent discouragement of your dream.
These guys think that if they ignore your dream and talk about other things, it’ll go away. They lead to the next group. Sadly these are often people’s family + friends.
What you might say to ‘em: "I’m too busy to chill, sorry."
What you wanna say to ‘em: "Look, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but my #1 passion, is something we never discuss. If it’s not important to you, I understand, but I’m gonna go towards people who love what I’ve devoted my life to, it just makes sense. Nothing personal, have a nice life."
Quick topic changes.
These guys never engage you on your dreams, either. These guys know that they have to talk to you in order to keep you around, but they just change the subject as quick as possible from your dreams.
They’re mercurial, like quicksilver.
They change topics so slickly you barely even notice it, and for a while, you feel understood — but it’s a trick.
What you might say: "F*** you man, if you really GOT this, you’d change!"
What you wanna say: "Uh, dude, I could be imagining it, but it seems like any time I talk about [blank], we end up getting distracted and changing the topic. The thing is, that doesn’t happen with everyone else, only you. So if there’s something that’s stopping you from sticking with my favorite topic for more than like, five seconds, let’s go our separate ways until you get that solved."
These guys habitually attempt to poke holes in an early dream.
You know, when you have hopes and dreams but you’re not quite at the "I know HOW to do it" phase yet?
Like you’re sharing a vulnerable idea, something you’d like to see happen, and they’re immediately like: "How the f*** will you do it? Will that work? What will you do about [blank]?"
If you listen to them, you’ll give up immediately cuz they make it look impossible.
What you might say: "Holy fuck, do you have one helpful suggestion, or do you just poke holes?"
What you wanna say: "I get that in your life, you haven’t been able to achieve your dreams because of a million little details, and you think that I need to sort out all mine in order to succeed, but that’s not how life works. We figure stuff out as we go along, so unless you can encourage me along, let’s take a break from each other."
Throwing negative stats and probabilities at your dream; speaking with doubt and hesitation about your dream.
Oh, that’s okay, right? People should be allowed to express doubt!
Well sure, once in a while, but these guys live in doubt, and because they’ve never really accomplished much, or accomplished anything on the level you’re attempting, they just dont see it as a viable option.
You gotta trust your gut, not the doubters.
What you might say: "Okay! Okay, I get it! My dream’s f***ing impossible, all statisticss point to no — I should just give up. God, I get it. Shut up."
What you wanna say: "Dude, do you want a hug? I know you’ve never accomplished anything on the level I’m attempting, but that doesn’t excuse you throwing doubt in my face. If you can’t openly support a friend’s dream, even f it’s a big one, you’re not much of a friend."
These guys talk a good game. They talk about your dream. They even do bare-minimum things to ‘help’ you, but it’s a trick. And eventually you’ll figure it out.
They’re really just holding you back. You spend time and energy with them, thinking that they’re on board and along for the ride, but really they’re looking for a free ride.
They don’t believe that they’re powerful or valuable — but they can tell that you’re a way to get things, emotions, and experiences that they want — so they manipulate events and conversations to keep you around, without ever really growing out of their comfort zones or contributing for real.
What you might say: "Damn, it’s hopeless dude. I thought we could do this together but, I give up. I tried."
What you wanna say: "Okay, this is it – last chance – if you can’t deliver results, by X time, we’re calling it quits relationship-wise — you need to go find your place in the world, wherever that is, and rock it."
These people eagerly and hungrily gobble up every gift you have to offer, and do basically nothing with it.
They take your time, energy, and resources and will usually offer "food" or "company" or "a fake ear" in return.
This is not a healthy exchange, and it is slowly killing your dream with every interaction.
These guys are bad apples, flys in the ointment, but they often seem like they’re helpers. They’re clearly not on the same page, and have no interest in being there.
You can tell because every conversation’s a power-struggle.
Your chats don’t really energize you and they definitely don’t lead to tons of good work and mutual accomplishment.
The consistent power struggles, debates, and arguments with you and your dream, even if the person means well, are killer.
What you might say: "Why does everything have to be resistance? Why is it always a debate, a fight, an argument? You just don’t get it! I don’t know how many times I have to explain it. God."
What you wanna say: "You’re not even trying man. You care way too much about being right and your cushy life, instead of understanding and succeeding together.
You’re not listening to me or my values or gifts. You’re not interested in learning from me, you’re interested in drama and power-struggles. You’re interested in showing off and proving you’rer right, or sticking to your views and way of life.
That’s cool, there’s room for everyone’s way, but not with me.
I’m not sure why you keep coming around me to start some shit — probably because I’m valuable and successful — but you need to go find your corner of the world."
These are the one’s that speak out about you in public, spam hate on your projects, and generally can’t shut up about you.
You know what, don’t say anything, don’t give ‘em attention, in general, be thankful because in a complex world where no one can be found, they are some of your most passionate lighthouses and sign posts.
Any great controversy or hate-campaign tends to work out well for the person trying to help the world, and doesn’t really do much for the hater.
"It’s for the best you didn’t listen
It’s for the best we get our distance… oh…" – Fun, Some Nights
So there you have it!
The 7 types of haters that are probably around you, in your life, breathing the same air as you, and you may not even have known it.
…and back to Jude.
He fit various categories above, so I let him go. I’m never derailed from my vision, but he’s derailed from anything and everything, including our friendship, but the slightest bump.
Not on the same page, and he shows no interest in getting on the same page.
Time to go.
Keep in mind this isn’t every kind of hater, they show up in all shapes, sizes, and disguises, but it should be more than enough signs to be aware of, and hopefully you’ll be able to put your foot down with yours sooner than I did.
To help with this, try and spread this article so it reaches the people who are being held down by haters right this minute!
And what about you? Any hater experiences? Lemme know in the comments and let’s get a discussion going