Are You Giving Success Or Are You Giving Failure

Note: This post was inspired by Renee Wade, Mary Sabros, and Danny Iny.

Maybe you’re like me.

I was raised to be a giver; to care, to nurture to love, to be the *nice guy*.

I won’t get into what that did to my understanding of my own masculinity, but I will get into what it did in my understanding of value, support, and giving.

I did what I saw all the nice people do.

  • I gave and got walked on.
  • I gave and people expected more.
  • I gave what people ‘said’ they wanted but clearly didn’t.
  • I gave things that actually enabled people’s bad habits.
  • I gave things that spoiled people and held them back.
  • I gave things that went ‘nowhere’ and were generally a ‘waste.’
  • I gave and I expected that giving to be appreciated and reciprocated.
  • I’ve never given someone stuff or time or attention just so they’ll keep me around, but I’ve had LOTS of people do it to me.

(They weren’t a waste, because no form of giving… even ‘miss-giving’ is a waste, but miss-giving is certainly not something I recommend.)

That list up there? That is some shitty giving skills, y0.

But, like anyone who experiments, fails, and makes mistakes, it taught me a lot about True Giving.

Here’s another list of things I bet you probably don’t think are ‘giving’

  • Withdrawing support – can be giving another a chance to stand on their own.
  • Separating and distancing – can be giving another time and space *away from influence*, so they can draw their own conclusions.
  • Taking a clear stand – can be giving someone the opportunity to choose their path.
  • Taking, and receiving, and having stuff that helps your life – can be giving others ‘a stable person who’s well cared for as a friend.’
  • Setting limits and timing on your giving – can be giving someone space to reciprocate and balance the relationship before it becomes 1-sided.
  • Being badass and NOT being the ‘nice guy’ is, in many cases the most giving thing.

Ahhh… interesting eh? All the things I thought were ‘mean’ and ‘not nice’, were often the healthiest, most loving, giving things I could do.

Being a badass and taking a stand with people close to you is a gift that you give.

There’s something I wish someone taught me earlier.

Surprise, surprise.

Society’s confused about giving

But what was I usually taught? "Oh, just give, it’s what makes the world go round."

And that’s true.

No one tells you that it’s tip of the iceberg and there is a lot of important stuff to understand first before you go ‘giving like a crazy person’.

I know what I’m talking about.

I’ve given complete run of my business to more than one person. I’ve given automatic "yes’s" to any request from friends large or small. I’ve given my last dollar, many, many times to people I felt would treasure it.

They usually didn’t.

So yeah, most of society thinks you can just "give to others" and everything will magically become awesome.

And it will, just not the way you think, and not at the pace you think.

Will there be a period where everything goes to hell as you give in confused ways?


Do you want that?


Unskilled giving does help, it just takes you down a path of pain where you learn how to give properly, eventually. I don’t want people to have to go so deep as I did, into unskilled giving before they learn to do it well.

Do you want to go through life not having basic skills in this important task, or do you want to rock it and give with quality results?

Giving Is Simple, Right?

If you want quality, it’s important to pay attention and be aware.

Well keep reading, and I’ll share what I’ve learned, so hopefully you can skip the pain.

Ready? Let’s go.

1. Giving is only one-side of a relationship.

I’ll say it again: One. Side.

That means, no over-giving, no consta-giving, no spoiling, and no acting like you can’t receive or accept things in return.

Here’s a look at healthy giving.

You take a look at yourself and your life, you understand what you can share comfortably, and you share it.

The other person accepts it as best as they can, hopefully with appreciation.

You don’t expect anything back, that’s part of the giving.

But you DO leave some space, you’re probably not gonna ‘give’ again immediately.

You want to aim for balance.

If the other person doesn’t really reciprocate, after you’ve left some space, you’re welcome to give again, but understand that you’re starting a pattern, where you give, they don’t help balance the relationship in a comfortable time period, and then you’re giving again.

If they choose to leave the relationship one-sided *again*, you may be in for a really rough experience, unless something is cleared up.

Chances are, they haven’t been taught how to give (or receive either, but that’s another post.)

This is important to find out, because if you keep giving to someone, and they just receive it, expect it, keep you on leash or under glass, tapping into you whenever it suits them… there’s a reason NOT to keep that relationship going. There’s a reason to give distance, boundaries, space, and withdrawal.

I learned this the hard way, I took a stand with people who I’d been way over-giving to, and they got really pissed about it.

Their golden goose was gone, and they had to fend for themselves. They had to stop taking, start contributing, and balance the relationship that we’d both heavily unbalanced, in time, attention, money, resources, emotions, etc.

In fact, I did it very recently, giving hours and hours of FREE COACHING, helping people access vision that would’ve taken most people years of suffering to discover, and creating websites, videos and live events for someone who not only brought me very little direct tangible value, besides some kind words — but she also chose to prioritize other things over our projects together. I’d supported her through every hard time in her life, and she soaked up my fantastic empowering value.

It started feeling very one-sided, and it was entirely my fault. I expected loyalty, committment, bold steps. It’s great to give, and trust, but I was doing it without paying attention.

I was giving poorly, and it hurts quite a bit, to wake you up.

So I withdrew my vast resources and value, the best gift I could give.

Some people will be able to roll with this choice, some will understand quickly what has happened. Some will respect your standards for giving.

Others will drift off to find others they can leech off of, until they realize it’s not helping anyone.

Learning to give well, and refusing to do it poorly, can change relationships, big time.

2. Skilled giving aims for people’s REAL wants, not what they ‘say’ they want.

Let’s say a female friend of yours says: "oh I wish I could do X", and you have the resources and time to do X for them, it does not mean you automatically give them X.

Why not?

Because their words might just be confused.

Their words might be a shallow indicator or some deeper issue or need.

They might really be saying: "I wish I could get attention, or manipulate people into giving me stuff, because I’m learning about my personal power."

If it’s the latter, you probably don’t want to give the tools, instead you might want to give a question like: "WHY do you want X?"

I’m not saying everyone needs to be a psychologist, but I am saying that you may need to dig deeper instead of taking the lazy way out and just "giving" to whoever seems to need it, whenever they hint at it.

I’m saying take a breath, turn-off the instant-give, and use your ability to ask "why" and understand people on a deeper level, instead of just giving shallowly ’cause you thought "that’s a good thing."

3. Give from the heart and help them be a better person.

The trick is simple — it may not be habit, it may take a little conscious effort at first — but always, always ask yourself "am I really helping this person be a better person with as I give?"

If you keep giving someone sex, just to keep them in a relationship with you, are you helping them have a solid, healthy, successful relationship? Are you? Or are you helping them delay the inevitable, and wasting both your time?

If you buy them extravagant things and get them used to a certain lifestyle, when what they really need is some boundaries, discipline, and life-purpose, are you really helping them? Or are you training them to be needy and not stand on their own?

If you give people your time and attention at the drop of a pin, are you helping them value the time of other human beings, or are you helping them feeling entitled and enabled?

Give (Well) To Get

Bonus: The People Pleaser

Let’s take one final look at an example of (the unskilled) super-giver.

The super-giver has a fantastic gift, the ability to easily, effortlessly, and pro-long-edly uplift and elevate others through their giving.

(This is like the old me — and I still am a super-giver — but I have a better understanding of what unskilled giving does to relationships and the economy.)

If everytime the unskilled super-giver sees somebody is sad, and they swoop in like a hero and "make them feel better", and it works, what habit are they starting?


They’re starting the habit of Person A feels crappy, and Person B immediately has to shift the direction of their life in order to "heal them" or "bandage their sadness".

They’re starting the habit of Person A putting Person B on a magic pedestal, where their happiness comes from Person B, and they cannot be happy on their own.

So then what happens if Person B takes a trip, goes to the hospital, dies or… <gasp> chooses to do something on their own, with their friends?

That’s right… Person A becomes very, very upset. Person A may even blame Person B for "ruining their life" or "never being there".

This is not a healthy, sustainable relationship. It’s killer because the giver is giving poorly, and because the receiver is happy to take advantage of it, instead of admitting that it’s not-so-great to rely so heavily on someone and use their resources.


Alright, success-superstars, hopefully this clears up much of the ridiculous amount of confusion on the topic of ‘giving’.

We covered:

  1. Giving is only one side of things, leave space for the flipside.
  2. Skilled giving means taking the time to look deeper before we give. Please. Pay attention :)
  3. Give in order to help others be better overall, not just to ‘keep people happy’ or ‘move things along.’

Are these hard and fast rules?

No, it’s different in every case, but it is something I feel many should be taught as early as possible.

Only you know if your giving is right for you, but make sure you use the simple step of asking "Am I really helping by giving this?"

I was raised to be super-ultra generous, but there are ways to do that well, and ways to do it poorly.

Be a f***ing fantastic giver.

P.S. If you have any stories about giving to someone in your life, I’d love to hear them in the comments below – take the chance to share and be heard, I answer everyone :)

Get The Ryze Jumpstart


  1. I am sorry to learn that some of your experiences have not been pleasant with giving. However, I am glad to know that you are gaining life lessons from these episodes.

    Yes, it sounds nice to give, give and give. But we also must give wisely. Otherwise, we experience energy drain. When we give, we give from loving consciousness. But loving consciousness is also wise. Sometimes, our actions have to be tough but we always practice balance for the decision on giving.

    • Evelyn, I know (from being a close friend) that if you met Jason in person, he would give a small laugh if you said that!

      I can let him speak for himself, but especially after meeting him tonight I KNOW he just sees with pure appreciation and increasingly deepening respect with pride about all his giving experiences.

      Basically, “apology” or even “unpleasant” doesn’t compute. Maybe back then it did, but we are way, way wayyy over that.

      I also believe some big things are going on with a project of his about this topic that I’m not sure if I’m legally allowed to disclose the information of :)

      Something to look forward to checking out 😀

      • Hahah — you guys are both so awesome! Thank you so much for ‘getting’ me.

        This is the great, detailed, interesting discussion I always envisioned for Ryze.

        You’re both right!

        Being a super-prolific giver is awesome, but being a prolific AND wise giver is MORE awesome :)

        Like Evelyn said: “consciousness is wise”, and like Arthur said: “apology and unpleasantness” feels distant and far away.

        Doesn’t mean I’ve never experienced them though, it’s likely we all have. Every human on earth.

        The “Secret Project” is almost ready to be revealed, dude. Keep your eyes peeled, I’ll let you know when it’s time to leak the info :)

        Thank you both again.

        I wonder if CommentLuv will play with my other comment plugins. :)

  2. What a great post, and blog, man you design amazing sites! Per usual, you hit all the nails on the head for me. I think to grasp this, you either need to really go through the ringer, or meet someone like you Jason, to point all of this out, for if we are to look around us and ask our peers, they will often reflect all that pukey crap that keeps us entrapped in those shenanigans without even seeing it. Of course that doesn’t pertain to everyone’s groups of friends, but it sure does mine.

    I have found it most interesting, as I have withdrawn, and just taken in success minded material, along the lines of living life fully, dreaming, following your bliss etc., that when I have gone back to interact with some of my ‘old friends’ per se, well, I’m just a different person, and the weirdest thing is I almost get foggy after awhile if I stick around and interact with them, as everyone is smart and has their own reasons for their beliefs, and if you put both of your beliefs on the table for some really stupid reason haha (never done that 😉 ), then say hello to the fog.

    This is all so true though, and it is FAR healthier in my opinion. I don’t feel compelled to tell everyone about it (something else I have been known to do with my epiphanies), as each person’s path of discovering these types of things happens when and if they happen, and really, the one thing that matters primarily (of course this is also the tip of the iceberg) is that I live this way for me, and then everyone who interacts with me, is better off through our interactions.

    Again, loving this blog, so awesome!

    • Ah, Martin, great to have you with us man. Your comments are always expressive, expansive and insightful, I really appreciate it.

      For many years I cherished my insight, wisdom, and fresh perspectives in a vaccuum, with very few people exposed to them or understanding them, now I have people quoting and retweeting me all the time, it’s really nice when it clicks, and it’s really nice of you to offer the feedback, man.

      What you say about people realizing things in their own time comes down to two things, for me:

      A) Words don’t teach very well; experience does. I’ve explained SO clearly, but it never clicked with my ‘friends’.

      B) If you look at any success-story, ALL of them, ALL of them, had to leave a good chunk of friends who ‘didnt get it’ behind. If everyone has 150 facebook friends, what are the chances they’ll *all succeed with you, at the same pace, in the same direction, at the same time?*

      Chances are 1 or 2 will… MAYBE.

      Unless you’re some new visionary, who came to earth to break the mould of all previous success-stories, you’ll likely be letting friends go, at least for awhile.

      Making peace with this helps a LOT, I’m glad you get it man.

      • Man you nail it over and over. That is so true about words versus experience. ‘Explained it SO clearly’ bahahaha! Me too! The interesting part of some of that, is when I am explaining whatever it is, I am not in the place I am pointing at, since I am addressing the place where it isn’t, and I can’t have both. LOL cherishing them in a vacuum. I spewed mine all over, but it may as well have been a vacuum. It’s so true about the success stories. It’s funny, as there are just a few I give in to opening up some stuff such as withdrawing from people, and I find, if they aren’t there with me, it gets strange after I share that. It’s so clear to me when I am interacting with someone like yourself, or other like minds, and if not, it’s like my mind goes blank.

        Yeah I definitely get it 100% and am living in the experience, from a pretty new perspective. Something shifted huge in me, really from just soaking up only good stuff, like I eventually transitioned over primarily to a different vibration, and I keep the momentum going, as I’m still laying the foundation.

        At this point, it is so refreshing and exciting connecting with others who understand the need to ‘back away from some people, even family’, as if you do pay attention, you can pick up on the types of presumptions which are being sent your way, and for me, if I carry on too long, especially with a family member, I can fall off the beam. Though, getting back on the beam is freakin’ awesome!!

        Today I felt a bit off, for no reason that I know of, and I have this tendency to some to one of your blogs when that happens. I don’t think I ever really fall off completely, but I was feeling a bit confused, and lethargic, and uncertain, and decided to do nothing but chill and take in some Abe etc., and raise my vibration, before taking action. I love the action that just flows out of my as an inspirational impulse, which I have had happen quite a bit this past period of time.

        One other thing just crossed my mind with the whole taking space from some associations, is that how you have attracted people on the same level., how awesome!

        • Well the thing about it is:

          Once you *make peace* with the fact that maybe 1-2 of your 150 ‘close’ facebook friends will be able to come along for the ride, and you take a stand and stop hanging with the rest…

          It sets a precedent, and you start to fill in the space with new people who suit you, people from all walks of life who’ve already made the “success-jump”.

          It’s not the most desired move to make, but do it, and it ROCKS.

          “I’d rather roll chrome rims, than a swisha
          I gotta make moves, I can’t hang wit’ ya.” – Big K.R.I.T., I’m On, 2.0

          or to rep Toronto:

          “That the real is on the Ryze
          Fuck them other guys
          I even gave them a chance to decide
          Now it’s something they know
          They know, they know, they know…” – Drake, Headlines

  3. Well said! Kind of exhilarating actually :)

    It’s interesting how it is. When I think of friends who aren’t on this mindset, I don;t feel that great. Then when I think of the people I have attracted into my life, such as yourself, I get freakin’ pumped!!

    Love the lyrical references! Such a great expression.

  4. Hi Jason,

    This was a fantastic post. And the list you wrote about examples of where we are taking away to actually give, was brilliant.

    I can so relate to a number of points in your post. I was a serial ‘nice guy’. :-) I would just give, give and give some more. It was mainly to be accepted and to be liked.

    It was only when I started to work on my self-confidence and self-esteem that I stopped giving so much. It’s quite strange actually. I had to go through a lot confidence building and become comfortable with myself. And the more and more I did that, I learnt that I’m still a nice a guy and I still like to give.

    However, when I give now, it is genuinely to give without expecting in return and because I want to, rather than from a place of neediness. This is big difference to the way I used to give before.

    Thanks for your great post.

    • High praise, Hiten, and I really appreciate it.

      It sounds like we came from similar roots. I went through a phase like that myself.

      Afterwards, I decided I loved being giving, and did it only when it suited me. Giving, I find, can be guided like you said, be need for validation, but it can also be guided by deep, sincere impulses.

      I feel passionately about this topic and I’m glad more people on the net are talking about it. Thanks for spreading the word, people need to hear this :)

  5. There’s a big difference between being a nice person and being a doormat. I’d like to see more people exercise their right to say “no.” It’s an extremely powerful aid in developing proper boundaries.
    The dynamics at play are intricate, but whats the key to a healthy (personal or professional) relationship? Two words:
    Mutual Benefit
    There are just going to be those times where we give and people insist on taking only, but that’s beyond our own abilities to manage. A little knowledge of that can go a long way. Great post, J! You bring it, every time and that’s what I enjoy about your writing.

    • Thanks J! You brought it too — you hit the magic buzzword, and it makes sense, I’ve noticed your write about relationships on your blog too :)

      Mutual Benefit, or what I often call win-win, is like the secret ingredient of success.

      Every relationship is co-operation of two agendas, and if they’re not both being helped, it’s not a sustainable relationship :)

      Appreciate :)

  6. It’s so funny that you wrote about the topic of giving because it’s something I’ve been thinking about lately.

    For a while, I tried doing something nice for my blog readers on a monthly basis because I wanted them to know that I cared about them. I would spend a lot of freaking time getting my little goodies ready. I hoped that not only they would know that I valued their loyalty to me, but that they would share it with others & that would attract new readers to my blog as well.

    Did that happen? To an extent it did, but not really in the way I’d hoped. I’m sure my readers knew I was grateful to them, but it didn’t cause any long-term relationship building. It did bring me some new readers, but not because my readers shared my freebies, it was because I shared them!

    So I guess, lesson learned. Don’t just give stuff away to do it! I’m not saying I’ll never give anything away ever again on my blog, but I’m going to make sure it’s something that my readers really need & that it’s definitely worth talking about.

    Thanks for all the tips & for sharing your experience Jason!

    • Awesome Meagan, I totally here you. I was raised to be ultra-trusting, ultra-faithful, and ultra-generous, and I gave TONS of stuff to my readers.

      Did it help?

      Yeah, it helped me learn how to give masterfully, but it didn’t do much for my early relationships.

      What you may find interesting is that it works in reverse.

      Giving a gift doesn’t build stronger relationships — It creates a vaccuum or a ‘debt’ in the relationships. People will want to give back, but if they don’t know how, don’t see their own value, or have no balanced return gift, the relationship will feel 1-sided.

      Think about that.

      Giving can easily create a 1-sided relationship, if the other party doesn’t balance things.

      What happens to one-sided relationships?

      Thanks so much for contributing :)

  7. This is not giving If you giving something in anticipation to receive something in return. If you call it giving then what is the difference between doing business and giving?

    • Wow, quite the feedback, Rana. This really gets some ideas going for me.

      For example…

      Thought 1:
      When one human being gives something to another, it creates a sort of ‘imbalance’ or vacuum, because every human, in every relationship, business or otherwise, need to have the chance to give.

      Thought 2:
      I see ‘business’ and ‘giving’ as the same thing. Both are forms of providing value, and both generate rewards when done properly/well.

      The human economy doesn’t work if people don’t give properly and well, commercially, or socially.

  8. It is all about keeping a healthy balance. A very dear American friend shocked me deeply, eons ago, when at parting after taking us to the airport she said she would gladly have us a houseguests again, but not for two weeks in a row anymore.. Ha! we were young and foolish and man, did she teach us a lesson! We are still the best of friends and I still visit her every other year.. or she me.. (our husbands are close friends too but they meet up because of work anyway) but never for more than a week. I have learned much from her over the years.. she tells you what she wants. Friendly. So you can choose to repect her needs. Or not. But of course you do.

    A witty post.
    Yes, let’s turn everything upside down, why not.

    • Awesome story, Kitty!

      Yes, “healthy balance” is definitely recommended.

      And having straight-shooting friends feels amazing :) They bring such a solid foundation to build on. People who aren’t clear on their hopes, dreams, or wants bring something else entirely, for me 😀

      • She is amazing and she is one of the few people I know who can be so calm, assertive and friendly at the same time. She is a very confident person – smart, intelligent, giving – but she has learned to take care of herself, too. She had a difficult childhood but instead of destroying her, it made her better.

        • That is so fantastic to hear, Kitty. The world can use more stories like this, and it sounds like it mirrors my own :)

  9. Jason,

    I totally agree with your here. I’ve been in the same boat as you and have learned quite a few valuable lessons.

    #1: Tough Love. Most people are more comfortable being “yes-men” (or women) and that’s not good giving. Giving the straight truth can often save them a lot of time and pain.
    #2: Free or special deals often lead to the least committed clients. It’s basically a waste of time in most cases. No matter how much you will them to care, they just won’t. Lesson: find the clients who truly value your time and are willing to pay for great service.

    Thanks for the great post!

    • I *love* #1 and I may expand on it in a post (no guarantees on that :P). The thing about tough love, is when you’re really masterful at it, you can often deliver ‘tough love’ in a gentle way.

      My preferred way of doing this is asking powerful, impactful, questions that get to the heart of things right up front.

      I used to try just ‘telling’ people how I felt but if I can I prefer to ask power-questions.

      Re: #2, yes, Tom — free anything — free attention, free presence, some people just give their attention to whoever is nearby. It rarely goes well :)

      Really love this comment, thank you 😉

  10. dude…

    I can feel you on so many levels with this. You want to make people happy by giving, but what you are really trying to do is make yourself happy by giving to them.

    Figure yourself out… Then you can give for success.

    Great work.

    • “Make yourself happy by giving to them.”

      I gave and gave and gave, not bitterly, but because it made me happy, and I LOVE my generosity.

      I stopped as soon as I realized I was unhappy with giving any further :)

      “Figure yourself out” – you nailed it Ryan :) Thanks man.

      • No doubt bro… Keep killin’ it.

  11. Hi Jason,

    Another post that got me thinking :)

    It’s absolutely true that mindless giving Is (often) bad for the receiver and the giver. And in many relationships that’s exactly what happens. It also happens in companies where an employee doesn’t really want to work there anymore, but neither side has the guts to do anything about it. In the end both the employee and the company lose. Honesty goes a long way…

    • OOoooh, Peter, I love your perspective on the half-hearted employee deal. Very appropriate. It can also apply to intimate relationships as well — no matter how much you give or take from someone, if it’s not a healthy balance, things are going downhill 😀

      And thanks man, I adore generating fresh thoughts + perspectives, and help people to feel the possibilities ryzing up :)

  12. The lack of work motivation is a very common problem. And it causes businesses to lose billions (my estimate) a year and people to lose years of their lives doing something that in no way fulfills them.

    I’ve finally found something that seems to suit me professionally: business coaching/consulting. But before this, I got two degrees in totally different industries (you couldn’t get further away from marketing 😉 ) and I worked poorly motivated at companies that couldn’t care less about motivation :/ When you feel like you’re selling your life (instead of your skills, talent, innovation, etc.) it just plain sucks to get up at morning.

    • Hahaha… yeah, great story and great point.

      “When it feels like you’re selling your life [away], it just plain sucks.”

      Again, thanks for contributing :)

  13. This is an important conversation to have, Jason. Thanks for raising it.

    The flip side to #2 is that many of us step into giving mode because we think we do see down to the other person’s true needs and desires (and sometimes we’re 100% right), but I often find one of the biggest ways we dis-empower others is by repeatedly “delivering” these things that we think they want or need instead of waiting for them to express an interest in our help.

    They may have wanted to strive for that thing on their own or sought someone else’s help with this matter, so by moving ahead without first asking their permission, we are making assumptions that can belittle the other person’s sense of self-efficacy.

    • Thank you so much for this Annika!

      I didn’t address this in the article but I definitely have experience with what you’re talking about. “Assuming need” can really mess things up, and it happens often when we “trust” people to say what they mean, and to know themselves.

      It also happens when we assume we know better than someone else, what’s right for them.

      Awesome comment :)

  14. This is a spectacular, enlightening list of comments. Thanks Jason for attracting all these amazing minds together to share their gems of wisdom.

    • Yeah, the community here is incredible, engaging, and always pouring out value. I’ve read other comment threads and most don’t even come close to the vibe we’ve got here — you included man :)

  15. Another exemplary post, Jason!

    One of my biggest takeaways:
    Give others opportunities to screw up … and also give them a chance to learn from their screw-ups.

    A word or two about:
    ” … I did it very recently, giving hours and hours of FREE COACHING”

    Just ask Ameena Falchetto and she’ll tell you …

    “Free” is NOT a business model.
    Meagan shared a great story here about her experience in giving freebies to her blog readers. Sorry to sound this out loud, Meagan, but I’m not the least bit surprised with how your generosity didn’t really pay off.

    I crafted a post recently about the negative aspects of using freebies to get opt ins to your list and I’ve got to tell you — most people are still buying into the crock of crap that you MUST “give” people something for free in exchange for their name and email address.

    Emphatically, vociferously, and vehemently …
    NO, you don’t have to do that!
    Once you hand people a ticket for a “free ride” … they next thing they expect is a “free lunch”. And around and around we go on the free merry-go-round. :)

    • Well, yes… to put it in context, the paragraph about that also said:

      “It started feeling very one-sided, and it was entirely my fault.”
      “I was doing it without paying attention.”
      “I was giving poorly, and it hurts quite a bit, to wake you up.”

      So I’m with ya, I’m aware :)

      Great story of Meagan’s, and I love your impactful conclusion, Melanie :)

      I know Ameena, too, she’s a great artist.

      To summarize how I do things, and how I recommend others to operate — I give when I feel called to, always have, always will, and I’m also personally responsible for “waking up” many “takers” and those who leech off others by my bold withdrawal of my attention/value if they refuse to contribute.

      Sometimes this looks like “doormat” to people, and they’re welcome to think that.

      To label me, Jason Fonceca, a doormat, after the life I’ve lived and my ability to do things like this: to me just shows ignorance.

      My badassness speaks for itself 😉

  16. Man Jason, you filled this article with some rather powerful points man; and they just kept coming and coming and coming! I LOVED it! 😀

    Many people have a misconception of what it truly means to give, and just how much we are to give of ourselves. We shouldn’t give expecting something back in return; yet, many people give for that very reason. Even if most people say they don’t care if what they gave gets reciprocated; deep down they want to believe that the individual will render back to them what they delivered – some, a little more than they delivered.

    I agree wholeheartedly with your views here on giving. ALL OF THEM! I don’t do well with reciprocity type giving. A person either wants too, or they don’t. And if they deep down in the inner parts of their being really don’t want to give to me, or expect me to return it; I would prefer if they kept whatever it is they were giving. I’ll get it myself, elsewhere, or I’ll go without it.

    Giving and obligation, in no way, should be handled in the same paragraph, let alone in the same sentence. When I give, I don’t expect the individual to render it back to me. I do expect it to comeback, but it’s more in the form of good Karma; not from the individual I gave whatever it was, too. That’s how I see it, anyway.

    I’m in the process of revamping my website and services, and many of the points you made here is what I’ve taken into consideration proceeding on with my career as a writer.

    Here’s the bottom line I’ve come to accept for myself when it comes to giving… When a person values themselves and what they have to offer, they approach every aspect of their life and career with that same value; and in turn they tell others, through their actions, how they demand to be valued as well.

    Powerful post man! I REALLY enjoyed this read! You totally rocked it out on this one! 😀

    • Deeone, I’m thrilled to see you feelin’ this post so strongly, man. Love it. And yes, ‘misconceptions’ about giving have been pretty common lol.

      Your passionate words on giving with expectation are definitely a great addition to the post.

      I’d like to expand on the “expectation” thing — I 100% agree, I never give with expectation, but let me ask you this…

      Are there any harmonic, long-term, sustainable relationships where 1 party keeps giving, the other keeps taking, without “giving back” ?

  17. I followed you over from Sonia’s blog and you sir, rock. 2 questions for you today:

    1. I just started getting into RSS feeds to help me keep up with my favorite, most influential blogs. I’d like for you to join the ranks. Where’s a link to your feed…or is it simply your blog /feed ?

    2. I have a sneaking suspicion that the more I blog the less I make in sales on my products. In fact, I actually stopped posting for over a month and a half late last year into early this year and had quite a surge. Is this possible, or just coincidence?

    Thanks for the help man and have a great week.

    • Awesome, Dickie. Thanks for being here man, totally appreciated :)

      I aim to keep RSS to a minimum so I don’t publicize it much, but the feed is – hope that helps :)

      As for #2, anything’s possible, but it could be soooo many factors involved. Market behaviour popularity of certain posts, social sharing, etc. – it’s something you wanna test and find out for you, or maybe ask a marketing star like Danny Iny over at (I have 4 guests posts there this month :D)

      Thank you too, rock on and ryze up!



  1. Profitability, Productivity, and Infographics – Best of the Web! - [...] Are You Giving Success Or Are You Giving Failure (Ryze Online) [...]

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