Do you like feeling amped? Energized? Ready to rock?
Can you feel when someone’s bringing ‘energy’ to a project?
You got any idea about the energy going back and forth in your relationships?
I didn’t, especially 1-to-1 partnerships.
I’ve felt like a creative genius, my whole life. I was raised that way, and I like it. I have a history of over-achieving and loving success, and even when people don’t see it, I know I excel. I’m very sensitive to getting the details right and improving whenever I learn something.
I kept failing at my dream relationships though.
For a long time I felt misunderstood, and I really wanted someone on-board who could relate to me, shared similar goals, and was eager to grow deeper together.
A fantastic dream, yeah?
I expressed this to many people, I’d say things like:
- "I wanna collaborate."
- "I wanna succeed together."
- "I wanna change the world WITH people."
- "I want harmony."
- "I want solutions, together."
- "I wanna spiral together."
They’d say "Yeah!" but talk is cheap.
I wanted action. I wanted the "I" to become a "we".
So… I’ve had a number of long-term partnerships, I’ve taken up-and-comers under my wing, invested heavily in other human beings, and I’ve poured my heart and soul into people I believed in, even when others were advising me against it.
I do what my heart tells me.
Have you ever done this? Given your heart and soul to someone, hoping and expecting them to return the passion?
In the last 7 years, I’ve devoted massive chunks of time, energy, and money, teaching 12+ people (I could name names 😛 ) success and encouraging them in their projects and visions. It was non-stop, free-access, success-coaching.
The people I hung with didn’t value me, and that’s to be expected, because I didn’t treat what I brought to the table like a valuable gift, I just openly gave it to anyone who was around. Friends, family, strangers, etc. – they didn’t have to do anything… ever… to get it, and they de-valued it.
- I had no boundaries, I was pretty open (which is a good thing)
- I welcomed anyone who came into my life.
- I offered them the ‘keys to the kingdom’, introducing them to all my family, friends, clients.
- I taught them all kinds of skills to sky-rocket them through life.
- I volunteered whatever I had.
- I discovered what their dreams were and invested in helping them realize them.
And most of the time, they just… took it. They took it and did very little with it, but they took it.
More than that, they started to take it for granted. At first they saw me as my brilliant, clear, wise self, but eventually they started ignoring me and believing others had their best interests in mind. They listend to family, they listened to friends, they listened to people who never really supported them in the first place.
"Familiarity breeds contempt."
While I don’t personally believe that exactly, I do know that I didn’t value myself enough and so neither did my friends + fam.
So what I’m saying is…
I’ve had a lot of unbalanced partnerships, and that’s okay. Girlfriends, clients, business partners — all of them I gave tons and tons of value that was unappreciated and unused, while they half-assed their way through, doing the bare-minimum necessary to hang around me.
They’d never stop the partnership, because, hey… tons of free (or extremely cheap) appreciation, love and success-coaching from Jason, great!
Unbalanced relationships gotta be changed or they’re unsustainable and they’ll collapse.
I learned to boldly take a stand and draw a line. The message I’d send is "You know all the free appreciation & coaching I’ve given you? Yeah, I’m stopping that, ain’t helping either of us."
The response to this in almost every case was "Taking away my gravy train? Fuck you."
Okay, they didn’t say that exactly, but they’d start being distant instead of aiming to solve things. I’d realized what was going on in the relationship, and made a change, but they wanted things to stay the same.
Can you relate?
I kept repeating this pattern ’cause I wasn’t clear on my feelings, and I’d never explain it in ways others understood.
I tried everything, but words and discussions don’t change people who don’t want to change.
I was confused. I wasn’t handling things well at all.
I was good at so many things, and I’d learned so much, but there was nothing I could find about how to feel out a relationship, and how to take steps that matter in it.
David Deida was the best I found, but I didn’t hear much about understanding the energy of a relationship.
Part of handling this smoothly, is admitting that there’s 7 billion people in the world, and not every single person you meet is gonna be that person that gets you and grows with you.
Oh I know, you want every person you meet to be the person that gets you and grows with you, but that’s completely ridiculous. Some of the people in your life right now, are probably one’s going in a different direction and ready for different things.
Yep. It’s true. Suck it up.
They can’t all get you, and they can’t all remain in your circle.
It helps to filter them out and attract the one’s that suit you most. One’s who fulfill you and match your energy are ones to keep an eye out for. 🙂
So now I’m gonna share with you all the clarity and insight I have on understanding what’s going on in your relationship with another person.
A relationship is a continual measure of interaction. We don’t really have tools to measure it, but we have feelings, and we can all feel when somethings "up".
After some pretty hard lessons, (My family was distant from me, I ended up homeless, had drama-filled relationships, slow-burn failure, etc.), I realized that it doesn’t help anyone if I’m ‘patient’ and let things drag on when it’s clear the other person isn’t interested in growing or ready to grow together.
Sometimes people have two very opposite directions in life.
With two opposite positions like this, and no common goal to aim towards, there are lots of fights and frustrations. There is disconnect, discord, and a lack of understanding.
Do you have any dysfunctional relationships in your life?
A dysfunctional relationship is where neither person’s energy is going anywhere truly helpful, and it`s something you can feel.
This is where the relationship appears to be okay and functional, it feels really good for awhile. Each person feeding off the others natural beauty, power, intelligence, ideas, sex, etc. but what both people usually don’t see, is that there’s a limit, because they can only help each other so much, if they don’t have a shared external goal.
These feel great at first, but no shared goal limits things.
They keep helping each other at first, giving energy to each other, but soon they’ll hit a wall, where they’ve learned a lot from each other but learning stops because they aren’t involved in the community, business, family, or whatever shared goal suits them. Deep down, they know there’s no shared goal, and they’ll find out, sooner or later.
This is my understanding of a healthy relationship, you might have different words, but the idea’s the same.
A healthy (long-term) relationship is two people, being as natural as possible, and helping the world towards a shared goal.
They keep doing this in deeper ways as they grow together. It’s possible they may separate if/when the relationship changes on one of the core points, but that event is unlikely.
Aim for this, it helps us all 🙂
A healthy relationship directed towards a shared goal, will automatically bring in support and love from society. In the form of dollars, support, word-of-mouth, popularity, recognition, praise etc.
A Shared Goal
I’ll talk a little about having a shared goal. A shared goal is a powerful call for both people to aim it. When both people in a relationship are aimed at the same thing, then they are heading the same direction. If they are heading the same direction, then they are always close. The shared goal almost always relates in some way to other people in the physical world.
- In a business partnership, the shared goal is usually the business vision (help the market).
- In a husband-wife partnership, the shared goal is usually the family or children (help our species).
- In a friend-firend partnership, the shared goal is usually reliable sharing of stories, supportive energy, and others-best-interest guidance and take a break from ‘other’ relationships (help society)
- In a interviewer-interviewee partnership, the shared goal is usually to have the audience helped, and the guests brand/product/service helped (help audience + brand).
No goal means no direction, and no direction means people will drift apart and also, that it’ll be difficult to tell if people are ‘on your path’ or not.
So What’s It All Mean?
It means that you have all the tools you need to have incredible relationships with other human beings.
- Every person has energy.
- Every person has feelings to measure that energy.
- Every person knows where they’re directing their energy in a relationship, and same with the other person.
- Every person knows whether they share a goal with someone or not.
And now I’ve given you another piece of the puzzle, visuals of the different types of relationships, and you can check your own, and see if yours are more on the dysfunctional side or the healthy side.
If your relationship needs changing, hopefully you can explain more clearly to the other person what’s going on (even show them this post!) — BUT DON’T COUNT ON IT.
Like myself, you may have to just admit that they don’t seem or feel ready to step up, right now, and they don’t feel ready to understand, no matter what how clear you are.
That’s okay 🙂
7 billion people, take a breath, take a step back, and stop participating in dysfunctional relationships. Have standards for yourself, do what’s right for you, and if you have any feedback on these ideas, or on your own relationships, share them in the comments!