My weekend was time spent with two hot chicks.(Not at the same time, though I've done that as well.)
Note #1: The video above was made from my collection of 7949, 12 multi-hour sorting sessions, into 482 hand-picked images, and trimmed down to 200 video-perfect slides. Which were re-sized, cropped, and hand-re-touched through 37 separate After Effects renders. It’s a heavily biased tribute to women I made 6 years ago, and about 100,000 people have watched it. 🙂
Note #2: Original article posted May 13, 2012. Minor edits made since (mainly formatting, typos, and clarity.)
My life’s been pretty adventurous lately.
My mind, body, and soul needed some… well… release. I find chicks help me a lot in that regard, so I hooked up with two.
The first girl, Yumi, was co-operative, open, and jumped at the chance to be with me. The second girl, Nelia, was hot & cold, wouldn’t make a simple meeting, and disrespected my schedule. Yumi was a joy to be with, and Saturday felt fulfilling and fun. Nelia was draining, leaving me out money, out time, and feeling nothing but frustration. So yeah, my weekend was very unique experiences with two beautiful women.
Dating them taught me about myself.
Seeing these two —back-to-back— Saturday & Sunday put things in perspective.
Some backstory: Most of my childhood was filled with women — friends, clients, girlfriends, but I didn’t really attract them in the best way. And most of ’em were a certain physical ‘type.’ Like, I’ve been on photoshoots with playmates and gotten testimonials from helping models.
Anyway, if you look at the pattern of girls I attract, they’re pretty … um … ‘sexy.’ (Yes, all women are beautiful flowers, but I have tendency to collect roses 😉 What can I say?
I’m telling you this so what I say next makes sense.
Peeps with no experience around models & pornstars tend to hold awkward beliefs about ‘hot chicks.’ Like, hot chicks are almost inhuman in many people’s eyes.
They’re ‘out of your league.’
And so on.
Which is silly. It’s like saying ‘all rich guys are cocky assholes.‘ It’s simply not true.
I mean, maybe some are, but not every single hot chick on earth, or even in your city, falls into those categories, which brings us to the point I was making in my intro:
There's girls that energize us and ones that drain.
The weekend in question, I’d attracted one of each type, ’cause of who I was being and how I was carrying myself.
The truth is, if I work on myself and get really clear on my standards for what I want in a girl (or girls), I’ll attract that type (and repel others.)
And when I say ‘clear’, I mean when someone asks me “my type” — I can ramble for ages about it. I can passionately write pages about it. I don’t hesitate, I don’t stumble, I’m stunningly clear.
So I got clear, and something happened. The women in my life were different. Some chicks transformed, some left, and some new ones showed up.
Basically, when I got extra clear, things changed, and not all the changes are jump-for-joy awesome, but they were probably necessary for me.
One that I resisted was the loneliness. I spent a lot of time “alone.” The beautiful chicks I was used to having in my life, no longer ‘clicked’ well with me.
Why would being clear leave me lonely?
Because we all grow at our own pace, in our own direction, and so does everyone else. Including whatever partners we happen to have. That’s life.
We don’t get to choose or force how quickly people around us grow or co-operate. That’s on them.
Once we get clear on our shit, the women we know may just disappear and make room for better suited matches. It’s their call. Relationships takes (at least :P) two.
And this was a tough pill for my young self. But I got it, eventually. I learned that…
Standing up for what I want is loving.
Standing up for what we want avoids mismatched relationships & broken hearts. It promotes honest, sincere connection, up front and free of masks.
So I’ve focused on getting clearer on what I want and developing myself and being the best J-Ryze I can be. Like Steve Pavlina, I experiment with myself and my life. I’ve failed a lot, but I feel it’s turned me into something pretty awesome, trial-by-fire style.
Liz Leia, dating coach, said this about me: “…Jason Fonceca from Ryze. I know that many women don’t believe that men who are willing to be this caring, open, and vulnerable even exist—so here’s Jason proving that belief wrong! Enjoy!“
One of my gfs (Hailey) was doing a checklist in some relationship book, and said I had everything that makes a “great catch.” The praise feels great, if you’re able to avoid arrogance and remain grounded.
Interestingly, when I told her I needed some time on my own to get back on my feet, Hailey dumped me with a 2 line e-mail, but hey, I’ll still take the compliments.
If you’re able to flow with life, experiment, get clear, and take a stand on what you want then past pain can be understood as insight.
And I've a lot of 'painful' failures to tap into.
My life hasn’t been the “funnest” story people could imagine, but it was a sure way to a ton of growth.
In the same way I have 8 ‘failed’ businesses under my belt, I also have 8 ‘failed’ LTRs (long-term relationships) and in the text below I’m gonna take you through some of my, uh, harsh lessons.
Ready? Let’s dive in.
High-school stuff. Gossip. Rumour-mill. But it got me my first kiss, my love of smooth complexions, and vibrant smiles.
Note: May or may not count as an actual LTR. 😛
Dates: The park, the stairwell, recess.
I learned: Women are one of the greatest things on earth to me.
I wished she’d: Be more sexual.
I dated Reggie for quite a while.
This was also in high-school but her overblown drama, strict asian-upbringing, and self-deprecation got old fast. I loved her passion, her hunger for my attention, her thoughtful, supportive gift-giving. She was a really beautiful soul who eventually…um… dated my best friend. Awkwarrrd. Lol.
Dates: Dances, cafeteria, library, parties.
I learned: Mostly I learned what I didn’t want. I didn’t want high-school, self-cutting-for-attention, bitchiness. But hey, it was high school.
I wished she’d: Be more positive.
Lauren was Regina’s uh… well… hotter best friend 😛
I was passive and underconfident at the time, and she was spoiled and used to getting her own way. It was destined to fail.
I got all angsty and emotional toward the end, which wasn’t exactly the real me. Eventually, we broke up, I became a badass, she got married, and I skipped her wedding to work on my business. It strained what little friendship we had left. She never sat down to hear my side of the story, or talked to me again. Not the smoothest relationship, but I learned a lot about myself.
Dates: Movie-nights, parties, theatres, eateries, parks, swim-meets…
I learned: How I like conversations to go. I learned I love stunning eyes, bone-structures, and curves. I love fashionable chicks, decorated well, but Lauren dressed and acted mostly like a tom-boy. Still does to this day as far as I know.
I wish she’d: Be sexier, support my business ventures.
Roxy openly and enthusiastically asked me to use my art skills to create something beautiful for her. I loved it. It felt amazing to be appreciated and valued. I was inspired and psyched.
After the art, she I and dated long-distance. (Again, back when I was kind of a pussy.) Unsurprisingly now, but gut-wrenching at the time, Roxy cheated on me. Eventually she had the decency to admit to it, and we managed to stay friends.
I’m pretty comfortable with mistakes, forgiveness, etc. and she had a lot of great feminine energy that I was happy to have in my life. She was bubbly, happy, giggly, chatty, eager, sensual, sexual, etc. – And I was a chump who just kept giving her my skills, talents, time, money, etc., ’cause I was too insecure that I might lose our connection. Roxy just kept taking, and I somehow learned to set boundaries.
Dates: Mostly intense, soulful phone-sex. S’about it. It was long-distance. I’m articulate & artful with words though. There was an occasional meeting, and I was a rock during some of the roughest times of her life. Go me, I guess, lol.
I learned: I learned even deeper traits I love. And I learned that my focus on beauty and ryzing creates an aura that affects the women around me. I know, it sounds a bit out there, but from this point on, every chick I hang out with becomes more beautiful, radiant, open, playful, positive and feminine. They #ryze! (If you see pictures of ’em pre- and post- Ryze, the proofs there. I’ve transformed hippies into fashionista’s and chubby chicks into fit ones.)
I wish she’d: Stop settling.
This girl was the boss and I was under her thumb. I’m not saying she’s some mean chick who did this consciously, it was just how it ended up. I take responsibility for bringing that out in her, but hey, this was before I took a stand about who I am.
Plus, she was the hottest girl at work. (yeah, yeah, we’ll get into ‘comparing people’s beauty’ some other time) I felt lucky to get time with her, and the once or twice she let me in her house and to see her family… I was stunned.
She used her beauty to get thrills and attention from all the guys, but she also realized I was a really positive, supportive long-term prospect, so she went a bit deeper with me. When push came to shove, she wanted everything on her terms at the cost of my joy. Not a great fit.
Dates: Movie nights, the beach, center island, house parties, sports, games, bars, concerts.
I learned: This was a turning point for me. I took a stand like a badass. I quit my job and dumped Ariel in the same night. After telling her what I would and would not accept in my life only a week earlier. One of the most badass things I’ve ever done in my life. ‘Cause this chick was ridiculous hot. She often got compared to Avril Lavigne. Anyway, I learned to be me, and I’m very thankful for her beautiful hair, active energy, and social style.
I wished she’d: Care about bettering herself, and care more about others.
I was always clear with Monica that I wasn’t really interested, and that this wasn’t really a relationship, but the amount of time we spent together and the occasional ‘play’, could qualify it (and DID in her mind anyway :P)
Monica was a firey, passionate scorpio-type, but had so many issues it’d make your head spin. I figured hey, I’m a positive mentor, I can ‘cure’ her, right?
HahAHHAaha… she took every ounce of support, work, and attention I could give her (hey, I’m a giver and proud of it, but without boundaries it can be a big problem.) Most of what she brought to the table was food, some arts + crafts, and drama. (Plus, for a while she made me a custom jewelry line, but I was also her first paying customer, which helped her found the business :D).
Anyway, I loved certain things about her. She was really into personal growth, nature, and open to any invitation or chance to be in my life, she didn’t hesitate to say yes — in more ways than one 😉
Dates: We had some pretty unique ones like the cemetery, rock-climbing, and Toronto Island.
I learned: I learned to express myself clearly. I tried every gentle way I could to get this chick to move her life forward, but in the end, the only thing that worked was withdrawing my presence, the only clear message that got through.
I wished she’d: Take committed action. Decide and move forward. Do what matters.
Hailey came ’round when I was really psyched for a partner, I wanted someone who was in it for real. And she was… so long as she could manipulate things and didn’t really have to do anything outside her comfort zones, lol. Turns out it was all lip-service. Her heart wasn’t in it.
It was mostly me being a surrogate Dad, taking care of her emotionally. My bad, again. I introduced her to my friends & fam, brought her on board with my biz, taught her tons of skills, helped her model, filmed her videos, built her portfolio, launched multiple projects she seemed passionate about, got her clients, and generally hyper-extended myself for her, because… being nice is good… right? We’re supposed to be generous, right?
(Over-giving was a theme for a huge part of my life.)
Oops. Still, there was so much I loved about this relationship. Hailey was so much the total package. Smokin’ hot, super-expressive, fairly feminine, and super-enthusiastic about me and my life’s work… or so it seemed. She said she’d follow my lead, said she’d ‘be submissive’, said a lot of things. Foolishly, I listened to words instead observing actions. I thought this was it.
I mean, she stayed with me through homelessness, so she had to be in it for the long haul, right? Wrong, when I told her I needed to focus on my biz and had to stop babysitting her, I gave her two choices: she could either help, or leave. She went back to her family, who hated me by the way, and she got a regular job schilling for some self-help guru at trade shows, and my only real souvenir was jail-time. 😛
Dates: Lived together, homeless together, events together, picnics, 5-star restaurants & hotels, terrace-view hula-hooping, kisses in the rain, fucked against a Fedex store window, etc.
I learned: That actions speak louder than words, but emotions speak louder than actions. It sounds small, but it’s insanely key. Getting this unlocked a lot of happiness for me. Very thankful to Hailey, though I don’t imagine wanting to be anywhere near her again.
I wished she’d: Believe in herself, and me, and us.
7.5 Roxy (Round Two)
Years back, Roxy and I drifted and she stopped commenting on my website. She disappeared, and I didn’t hear from her for ages. Time passed and through facebook or something I came across the facts that she dated a bunch of other guys in her hometown but… eventually moved to Toronto.
At the time of writing, she’s been here for almost a year and I still haven’t met her. She continually sets up meetings with me, and as the meetings get closer, she becomes less communicative, more awkward. Less committed and more flaky. It felt like a potential relationship of some kind.
She and I could easily renew old connections if she bothered at all, but I’ve learned to let these things go. I aimed to set up times, places, and awesome dates with this girl — and I’m good at it. I know Toronto well, and as you can see from the list above, take chicks on very cool dates.
I need a bit of co-operation though. Someone who wants the dates to succeed. Someone who wants to ease my schedule, not make it a nightmare. Someone who values me more like a great concert she’s looking forward to, rather than “some guy under glass” that she can crack open in case of emergency. “I’ll pencil you in”, “I’ll get around to it”, and “I’ll move down the street from you but hide from you” is NOT what I’m about.
Dates: Not so much this time. A whole bunch of failed meetings and useless intrusions into my schedule & life, lol.
I learned: I’m focused on harmony and mutual value. I quickly move away from anything that doesn’t feel in line with that.
I wished she’d: communicate, keep her word, and show understanding. Note: This one only counts as a seven point five ’cause it was my second failed time with Roxy, and not actually a ‘new chick.’
Memory-lane can be filled with potholes.
We just took a quick look at some of my major LTRs.
During the journey I learned a lot about myself and got clearer on what I want through each experience. Straight up, there’s aspects I enjoyed from each of these fantastic women, and I’m sure they’ve grown since I knew ’em. (or, y’know… maybe not, hah.) I feel blessed to learn this stuff move forward, it could’ve easily gone a different way.
Whatever the case, I attracted these women into my life, and I decide who enters and exits my life, and based on what criteria. I decide my standards. I take full responsibility and I’ve grown.
When I was younger, I put up with a lot of crap. Often times the most positive thing to do is to cut people loose– but no one teaches you that. There’s 7 billion people on the planet, and half of ’em are chicks. No point putting up with crap from the few women in our current circles. No point dragging something out by hiding our true feelings or desires.
I want chicks who bring out my best.
I’m not interested in those who bring out my irritation, frustration, and misery contributing little value to my life.
I look to better examples. Jay-Z + Beyonce are pretty cool role-models. Or maybe ummm Tony + Sage Robbins. Or who knows, maybe even Dan Bilzerian and his harem feel fulfilled with one another.
Yes, I want intimate, ‘adult’ fun but I want it where everyone’s cool with themselves, authentic, open, and responsible for their own feelings and happiness, while aiming to help each other #ryze.
If I can be happy through homelessness, arrest, betrayal, losing all possessions and more, I certainly am capable of having happy partners. So now that I’m clearer, and I can tell lightning-fast if a chick isn’t on board.
- If she acts like she’s entitled to my time, nope.
- If she acts aloof or stand-offish and hides her true feelings and communication, nope.
- If she’s not enthusiastic about my work, value, and what I bring to the table, nope.
This stuff isn’t hard to sort out.
You could sit down and ask any true friend and they could tell you that none of the 8 chicks I listed above fit these basics very well. Harmony was like… the furthest thing from their minds. It’s like they’d never learned it, and didn’t want to, lol. I had some pretty un-co-operative peeps around. And they don’t have to be robots.
Or she can use her dramatic emotions as an unhealthy way to keep attention on herself.
God, did I learn some lessons.
I didn’t know all this stuff at the start.
It woulda been nice to have been taught this. Or to be born with mastery over this stuff. But I didn’t have that, and it took me longer than I’d have liked to figure it out.
Maybe I’m dumb, but no one taught me the key difference between a hot chick with mature emotions and comfort-in-her-skin, and a hot-chick who’s crippled by her emotions and harms others with them.
They look really similar. Boobs and butts and bedroom eyes.
It takes finesse to tell ’em apart. (And all this can be applied to guys, trans, or whoever you hook up with.) So I ended up letting women abuse my generosity and love. And it took me way longer than I’d like to admit to figure this stuff out. And I felt compelled to share. Hopefully reading this can spark things for you, and help you understand faster and deeper. I want you to have a life full of relationships that suit you and feel good.
I want us all to ryze.
So, get clear on what suits you.
What do I want?
“I want radiant beauty, devotion and harmony. I want bubbly playfulness that goes with the flow. I wanna share the best life has to offer with receptive chicks. I want sublime feminine emotion & expression. I want enthusiasm and eagerness. I want uplifting understanding and solace. I want sexiness and surrender and intimate communion. I want evolving beauty, power, and sexuality together. I wanna feel this stuff clearly and consistently and easily. (And it doesn’t have to be all in one person either — I’m open-minded.)”
There. That’s clear enough for now.
I feel those are all beautiful things to want. And I may not realize these dreams, fully or in part, during my lifetime. And if I do, I don’t know the details of how they’ll come to be. But I’m allowed to want ’em, allowed to move towards ’em at my own pace, and I feel it’d show the world a really beautiful way of relating if I’m able to lead by example.
What’s next is being a match to the above, being a diamond, being my best self. To allow myself valuable and appealing enough to attract what I’ve describe.
And right this moment, I don’t have any solid results to proudly to show you. But stick around and follow along with my journey. And why not challenge yourself: can you do write something clear about what you want in a relationship, like I did in the paragraph above? Can ya? Huh? Most guys – if you ask them what they want in a woman – don’t really know.
P.S. As I was writing this a vibrant woman named “Arri” sat down and started chatting with me. After today’s failed date, I was very clear on what I wanted and BAM. Results. She paraded her new platform shoes & gucci shades for me, told me stories of meeting all the stars when she worked at Barney’s in New York, and told me she “wasn’t afraid to use her boobies.” She also noticed when the conversation had pulled me away from writing this article and hinted that she was open to dropping it if it would help me, so we wrapped it up nicely. She was beautiful and co-operative and I told her so.
I’d say it’s a damn good start.