Note: Writing from the perspective “guy dates girl”, ’cause a) I love women and b) I don’t wanna be writing "he/she" the whole time. That said, all this can all apply for guys or girls or other or w/e, K?
I savored my weekend by spending time with two hot chicks. My life’s been pretty adventurous lately and my mind, body, and soul needed some… well… release.
The first girl, Yumi, was co-operative, open, and (literally) jumped at the chance to be with me. The second girl, Nelia, blew hot & cold, didn’t follow simple directions, and disrespected my schedule.
Dating them, taught me about my self.
Seeing these two —back-to-back— Saturday & Sunday put things in perspective.
See, I was beyond popular in school, and I’ve always had women in my life— friends, clients, girlfriends, etc.
And I’ll admit that most of them were of a certain physical ‘type.’ Yes, I see all women as beautiful, but if you look at the pattern of girls I attract, they’re pretty … um … ‘sexy.’
What can I say? 🙂
Anyway, I’m telling you this so what I say next makes sense.
Peeps with little personal experience with models & pornstars tend to hold awkward beliefs about ‘hot chicks.’
Like, hot chicks are almost inhuman in some people’s eyes.
They’re ‘celebs’. They’re ‘bitches’. They’re ‘out of your league.’ They’re ‘high-maintenance.’ They’re ‘emotional.’ etc.
That’s like saying ‘all rich guys are cocky assholes.‘
It’s simply not true.
Maybe some are, but not every single one on earth, or even in your city, falls into those categories.
Some hot chicks are awesome.
The weekend in question, I’d attracted one of each type, because of who I was being and how I was carrying myself.You only attract what you’re a match to.
If you work on yourself and get really fucking clear on your standards for what you want in a girl (or girls), you’ll attract that type.
When I say ‘clear’, I mean when someone asks you "your type" — you can ramble for ages about it. You can passionately write pages about it. You don’t hesitate, you don’t stumble, you are stunningly clear.
And when you get this clear, things change. Believe it.
The women in your life will change. Some’ll transform, some’ll leave, new ones’ll show up.
The chicks you’re used to having in your life, may no longer ‘click’ very well with you.
Why might you suddenly be abandoned?
Because you grow at your own pace, in your own direction, and so do others. Period. That’s life.When you zig, and others zag, you’re suddenly alone in a new place.
We don’t get to choose how quickly people co-operate, they do.
They might come on board with your choices, but once you get clear on your shit, the women you know might just disappear and make room for way better.
It’s their call too. It takes two.
This was a tough pill for my young self.
But I got it eventually. I learned that…
‘Ruthlessly’ standing up for my wants is loving.
It avoids mismatched relationships & broken hearts. It promotes healthy relationships & true connection.
So I’ve spent a lot of time, energy, and focus getting clear on what I want.
My whole life is focused on devleoping myself and being the best J-Ryze I can be.
Not everyone develops themselves so passionately.
Like Steve Pavlina, I experiment with myself and my life. I’ve failed a lot, but it’s turned me into something pretty awesome – trial-by-fire style. 🙂
Liz Leia, dating coach, said this about me:
"…Jason Fonceca from Ryze. I know that many women don’t believe that men who are willing to be this caring, open, and vulnerable even exist–so here’s Jason proving that belief wrong! Enjoy!"
One of my gfs (Hailey) was doing a checklist in some relationship book, and said I had everything that makes a "great catch".
Interestingly, when I said I needed some time on my own to get back on my feet, the same girl dumped me with a 2 line e-mail, but hey, I’ll still take the compliments.
I don’t say this to brag — though it does make me look oh-so-good — I say it ’cause it’s feedback you get when you’ve gone through years of failure and self-awareness.
Pain is insight.
It’s not the "funnest" thing people can imagine, but it’s a sure way to a shit-ton of growth.
And I’ve a lot of painful failures to tap into.
In the same way I have 8 ‘failed’ businesses under my belt, I also have 8 ‘failed’ LTRs (long-term relaionships) and I’m gonna take you through some of my harsh lessons.
Ready? Let’s dive in.
The Ryze Chick Stories: First 4
Here’s an overview on some women from my past.
Note: they might tell you a different story, and that’s cool. Two sides and all.
Hopefully I’m being inclusive and taking responsibility for my role in things, and I’m not out to paint a crappy pic of them. They’re great chicks. (I have awesome taste :P)
Either way, no excuses… I’m always learning and getting better, and I’m definitely not a saint (though I pretended I was a child).
Note 2: the images are just random celebs & models swiped from the net. I’m not trying to out anybody or point fingers 🙂
Jayden – High-school stuff. Gossip. Rumour-mill. But it got me my first kiss and my love of smooth complexions and vibrant smiles. Might not count as an actual LTR. 😛
Dates: The park, the stairwell, recess.
I learned: women are one of the greatest things on earth to me.
I wished she’d: be more sexual.
Regina – Dated for quite a while, also in high-school but her drama, strict asian-upbringing, and self-deprecation got old fast. I loved her passion, her hunger for my attention, her cuteness and thoughtful, supportive gift-giving. A really beautiful soul who eventually…um… dated my best friend. Awkwarrrd. Lol.
Dates: Dances, cafeteria, library, parties.
I learned: Mostly I learned what I didn’t want. I didn’t want high-school, self-cutting for attention bitchiness. But hey, it was high school.
I wished she’d: Be positive.
Lauren – Regina’s hotter best friend. I was too girly at the time, and she was too masculine. I got all angsty and emotional toward the end, which felt like not the real me. Eventually I became a badass and skipped her wedding to work on my business. She never sat down to hear my side of the story, or ever talked to me again. Not the smoothest, but I learned a lot about myself.
Dates: Movie-nights, parties, theatres, eateries, parks, swim-meets…
I learned: How I like conversations to go. That I love stunning eyes, bone-structure and curves, decorated well, but like I said, she dressed and acted mostly like a tom-boy.
I wish she’d: be sexier, support my business.
Roxy (round #1) – This chick openly and enthusiastically asked me to use my art skills to create something beautiful for her. Sweet! I love it.
I was inspired and psyched. We dated long-distance, this is back when I was a pussy. Unsurprisingly now, but gut-wrenching at the time, she cheated on me. She had the decency to admit to it, and we stayed friends. I’m pretty comfortable with mistakes, forgiveness, etc. She had a lot of great feminine energy.
She was bubbly, happy, laughing, chatty, eager, sensual, sexual, etc. – I was a chump who just kept giving her my skills, talents, time, money, etc., she just kept taking. Eventually I learned to set boundaries. (And I do mean … eventually.)
Dates: Insanely intense, soulful phone-sex. Yeah, I said it. I am, after all a master of words, eh? The occasional meeting. I was a rock during some of the roughest times of her life. Go me 😛
I learned: I learned deeper traits I love. From this point on, every chick I’ve ever hung out with has become more beautiful, radiant, open, playful, positive and feminine.
(If you check pictures of ’em pre-Ryze and post-Ryze, the proofs there. I’ve transformed hippies into fashionista’s and chubby chicks into fit chicks, straight up.)
I wish she’d: Stop settling.
So that was my first four relationships. There may have been a couple single dates here and there inbetween.
You can see how it’s going, right? Each time I learn something new, want something improved, and the next chick improves on the last.
I consider myself a fast learner, but for some things, it took me forever.
You could probably do it faster. You don’t need a painful LTR to figure out there’s some very important missing qualities, do you?
Here, take a look at my next 4.
The Ryze Chick Stories: Second 4
Ariel – This girl was the boss and I was under her thumb. I’m not saying she’s like some mean chick who did this consciously, it was just how it went. I take full responsibility for bringing that out in her, this was before I took a stand about who I am.
She was the hottest girl at work. I felt lucky to get time with her, and the once or twice she let me in her house and to see her family… I was stunned.
She used her beauty to get thrills and attention from all the guys, but realized I was a really positive, supportive long-term prospect, so she went a bit deeper with me. When push came to shove, she wanted everything on her terms at the cost of my joy.
Dates: Movie nights, the beach, center island, house parties, sports, games, bars, concerts.
I learned: In the end, I put my timid days away, and took a stand like a badass. I quit my job and dumped Ariel in the same night, after telling her what I would and would not accept in my life a week earlier. One of the most badass things I’ve ever done in my life. I learned to be me, and I’m very thankful. I love beautiful hair. I love active chicks, ready to play. I love those who get along with my friends.
I wished she’d: Care about bettering herself, care about others.
Monica – I was always clear that I wasn’t really interested in Monica, and that this wasn’t a relationship, but the amount of time we spent together and the occasional ‘play’, could qualify it (and DID in her mind anyway.)
This chick was a firey, passionate scorpio type, but had so many issues it’d make your head spin. I figured hey, I’m a positive mentor, I can ‘cure’ her, right?
HahAHHAaha… she took every ounce of support, work, and attention I could give her but most of what she brought to the table was food, some arts + crafts, and drama (for a while I had a custom jewelry line, but I was also her first paying customer, and helped her found the business :D).
Anyway, I loved some things about her. She was really into personal growth, nature, and open to any invitation or chance to be in my life, she didn’t hesitate to say yes — in more ways than one 😉
Dates: Cemetary, rock-climbing, the island, etc.
I learned: I learned to express myself clearly. I tried every gentle way I could to get this chick to move her life forward, but in the end, the only thing that worked was withdrawing my presence and being um… extra clear.
I wished she’d: Take committed action. Decide. Do what matters.
Hailey – This is when I was really psyched for a partner, someone who was in it for real.
And she looked like she was… so long as she could manipulate things and she didn’t really have to do anything outside her comfort zones, lol.
Turns out it was all lip-service. Her heart wasn’t in it.
It was mostly just me being a surrogate Dad, taking care of her emotionally. My bad, again.
I introduced her to my friends & fam, brought her on board with my biz, taught her tons of skills, helped her model, filmed her videos, photographed her, started multiple projects she seemed passionate about, got her clients, and generally hyper-extended myself for her, because… being nice is good… right? We’re supposed to be generous, right?
Still, there was so much I loved about this. She was so much the total package. Smokin’ hot, super-expressive, pretty feminine, and super-enthusiastic about me and my life’s work… or so it seemed.
She said she’d follow my lead, said she ‘be submissive’, said a lot of things. I thought this was it. She stayed with me through homelessness, so she had to be in it for the long haul, right?
Wrong, when I told her I needed to focus on my biz and she could either help, or leave, she went back to her family, who hated me by the way lol, and a regular job schilling for some self-help guru at trade shows.
Dates: Lived together, homeless together, events together, picnics, elite Yorkville restaurants, terrace-view hula-hooping, kisses in the rain, fucked against a Fedex store window, etc.
I learned: That actions speak louder than words, but emotions speak louder than actions. It sounds small, but it’s insanely key. Get this and doors unlock. Very thankful to Hailey.
I wished she’d: Believe in herself, and me, and us.
Roxy (round #2) – Yeah, Roxy stopped commenting on my website, disappeared, I didn’t hear from her for ages, she dated a bunch of other guys in her small town but… eventually moved to Toronto.
She’s been here for almost a year and I still haven’t met her.
She continually sets up meetings and as the meetings get closer she becomes less communicative, more awkward, less committed and more flaky.
Feels like a potential relatonship of some kind, we could easily renew old connections, but I’ve learned to let these things go and focus on what I stand for.
I aim to set up times, places, and awesome dates with this girl — and I am very fucking good at it. I know Toronto inside and out, and as you can see from the list above, take chicks on very cool dates.
Just need a bit of co-operation though.
Someone who wants me to succeed. Someone who wants to ease my schedule, not make it a nightmare. Someone who values me more like a great concert she’s looking forward to, rather than "some guy under glass" that she can crack open in case of emergency.
"I’ll pencil you in", "I’ll get around to it", "I’ll move down the street from you but hide from you" is NOT what I’m about.
Dates: A whole bunch of frustrating failed intrusions into my schedule and life, lol.
I learned: People grow at their own pace, and that no matter what happens, I’m focused on detached harmony and growing value. I quickly move away from anything that doesn’t feel in line with that.
I wished she’d: commit, communicate, and understand.
Memory-lane has some potholes.
And those are the major ones.
I learned a lot about myself and got clearer on what I want from each experience.
Straight up, there’s aspects I enjoyed from each of these fantastic women, and I’m sure they’re not the same now as they were then (or, y’know… maybe they are, hah.)
We all grow at our own pace, and I’m blessed to learn my lessons and move forward, maybe that’s not how it goes for them.Some peeps don’t learn until they’re old and miserable, some not at all.
Whatever the case, I attracted these women into my life. I decide who enters and exits my life, and based on what criteria. I decide my standards. I take full responsiblity.
And well…basically… I put up with a lot of crap. (Too positive, not enough badass.)
Often times the most positive thing is to cut people loose, but no one teaches you that.
There’s 7 billion people on the planet, half of ’em are chicks, no point trying to force it with the 20 women in our current circles. No point dragging something on by hiding our true feelings or desires.
I want women who bring out my best.
Not ones who bring out my irritation, frustration, and misery.
Jay-Z + Beyonce are pretty cool role-models to look at. Or Tony + Sage Robbins. Or maybe even Charlie Sheen and his (now-ex) Goddesses 😛
I want intimate, ‘adult’ fun but where everyone’s cool with themselves, authentic and open, and responsible for their own feelings and happiness.No power games, no fear. All harmony. My kinda relationship.
So now I’m clear, and I can tell lightning-fast if a chick isn’t on board with easy, fun, harmony.
- If she acts like she’s entitled to my time, nope.
- If she acts aloof or stand-offish and hides her true feelings and communication, nope.
- If she’s not enthusiastic about my work, value, and the awesomeness I bring to the table, nope.
This stuff isn’t hard to sort out. You could sit down and ask any objective friend and they could tell you that none of the 8 chicks I listed above fit these basics very well.
Harmony was like… furthest from their minds. It’s like they’d never learned it, and didn’t wanna learn it, lol. I had some pretty un-co-operative peeps around.Emotions and drama can be great. A goddess-chick can make life feel deep, alive, and fun – if she wants to.
Or she can use her dramatic emotions as an unhealthy way to keep attention on herself.
God, did I learn some lessons.
Well… I didn’t know all this stuff.
It woulda been nice to be born with mastery over this stuff. It woulda been nice to have been taught.
But I didn’t know.
Maybe I’m dumb, but no one taught me the key difference between a hot chick with mature emotions and comfort-in-her-skin, and a hot-chick who’s crippled by her emotions.
They look similar with their boobs and butts and bedroom eyes.
It takes finesse to tell ’em apart.
(Same thing goes for authentic passionate guys, and "jerks".)
So I ended up letting them abuse my generosity and love as a way to fill their personal emptiness, which was never satisfied.
And it took me way longer than I’d like to admit to figure this stuff out.
Hopefully reading this can spark things for you, help you understand faster and deeper.
I want you to have a life filled with relationships that suit you and feel good, how’s that sound?
I want you to ryze.
Be clear on what suits you.
"I want radiant beauty, devotedly harmonizing with me. I want bubbly playfulness going with the flow. I want to share the best life has to offer. I want masterful feminine emotion & expression. I want enthusiasm and eagerness. I want uplifting and understanding and solace. I want sexiness and surrender and intimate communion, I want someone not just ‘horny’ but interested in evolving sexuality together. I want to feel this stuff clearly and consistently.(Oh, and it doesn’t have to be all in one person either — I’m pretty… open-minded.)"
There. That’s pretty clear and open and vulnerable, for now.
And I don’t have any solid results to show you … yet, but stick around and follow along with my journey.
And challenge yourself: can you do write something like that?
Huh?Most guys – if you ask them what they want in a woman – don’t really know.
P.S. As I was writing this a vibrant woman named "Arri" sat down and started chatting with me.
After today’s failed date, I was very clear on what I wanted and BAM. Results.
She paraded her new platform shoes & gucci shades for me, told me stories of meeting all the stars when she worked at Barney’s in New York, and told me she "wasn’t afraid to use her boobies."
She also noticed when the conversation had pulled me away from writing this article and hinted that she was open to dropping it if it would help me, so we wrapped it up nicely.
She was beautiful and co-operative and I told her so.
I’d say it’s a damn good start.