NOTE: This post is longer and meatier than most. Like all Ryze posts, it’s a game-changing eye-opener, with valuable ideas most people are too timid to give you. It’s fun, it’s got stories, and deserves a proper read — so if you’re one of those people who skip anything with substance to it, or have the attention span of a gnat, this is probably too good for you. 😛
Otherwise, let’s begin:
I want you pissed off. I want you uncomfortable. I want you to realize that every time you’re angry it’s either for a useful purpose, or it’s a junk emotion, ruling your choices – and you get to choose!
And first… we’ll take a look at…
What do people get most pissed about?
Well, it’s different for everyone, but the general rule is that people get pissed when others disrespect part of who they truly are.
- When Michael Jordan was rejected from his high school basketball team, he was nearly suicidal. They were going against his dream..
- When Donald Trump was bankrupt, and people criticized his ability in business, it got pretty emotional. They were hating on his natural talents.
- And so… when people imply that I’m unwise, unclear, or not understanding…
…I’m a ticking time bomb.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Jordan wouldn’t be where he is, inspiring generations of athletes, if he didn’t get super pissed when people tried to claim he was no good at ‘ball.
The same goes for anyone who deep down, knows they have a natural gift, no matter WHAT the situation “looks like.”
Most people get pissed as a child’s temper tantrum, they didn’t get what they want, they couldn’t control or box someone in, and they’re not emotionally conscious enough to choose a better response.
There’s a big difference with me when I bring some emotion up.
Because I’m aware of my emotions, and I don’t let them rule me automatically, instead… I decide if it’s time to be passionate or angry about lines being crossed, or not.
The amount of peeps who do this are rare, so people tend not to ‘get me.’
Why am I good at this? Well besides being blessed with awareness and understanding, since I was little, I used something that’s not all that special…
- Is there anything, anywhere that doesn’t improve over time, with consistent practice?
- Does swimming improve over time, with consistent practice?
- Does acting improve over time, with consistent practice?
The answers are clear.
Even ‘relationships’ improve with consistent practice.
And that means everyone can get better at stuff.
Which is great!
And what happens if someone who starts life as ‘naturally talented’ at something, decides to practice it their whole life?
Practice amps up their natural talents to become almost superhuman.
Natural Gifts + Practice = ‘Superhero.’
This is how we get our Olympic Athletes, our Albert Einsteins, and our Shakespeares.
And it’s rare.
It’s not every day you meet someone who’s naturally talented, realized it early, and dedicated their lives to practicing it.
And my gifts are pretty unique. When I use ’em, I feel totally in the zone, and I’m rock-solid.
So, what are my gifts?
Well… my whole life, all I’ve really cared about and studied most is…
Love, clarity, & understanding.
And yes, when learning and practicing this stuff …
- There’ve been many times when I fuck up.
- There’ve been many when I misunderstand someone.
- There’ve been many chats where I “need to take a step back”.
But these times are very, very rare now.
Do you know why?
Because I’m a natural with clarity & understanding.
It’s kinda my thing.
I ‘get things’ quickly.
In school I ran circles around everyone, bored with teachers, skipping lectures, and speed-reading books.
In conversation people generally felt challenged to keep up with the pace.
I’ve done it since I was little, and was labeled as ‘gifted’ at 11 years old…
…and I was raised that way by my epically faithful, loving, and Christian Mom…
…and I’ve also practiced it naturally since I was a child.
I LOVE UNDERSTANDING, and it’s part of why I ” ‘know’so much.”
When I was young I wasn’t so great with this ability, and I used my understanding to manipulate others negatively, to win arguments, or to appear ‘right’.
But eventually I learned how to use my clarity and understanding in loving ways, that benefit all.
And I love understanding people, interactions, life, the universe, etc. as much as possible.
I especially love it when people are clear with each other.
..it’s been a while since I misunderstood why someone did something or why they chose a certain reaction or emotion.
Many people have told me that I “know them better than they know themselves.”
No one can know someone better than they know themselves, but what they really mean is I “see things clearly about their automatic behaviors that they usually don’t.”
And if I’m not 100% clear — I ask questions – I accept all, judge nothing, and am simply interested in understanding.
And I’m very sensitive to whether I understand something, or not quite — because I’m good at what I do.
I understand many things more than most, and it helps me be a life coach.
Not everyone realizes this when they’re dealing with me.
Not everyone realizes that they might be better than me at video games, or better at business, or better at martial arts…
…but few are more practiced and passionate than me at Understanding Life On Very Deep Levels.
I’m aware of what’s going on. I get things.
It’s the reason I’m not a web designer or a retail worker (both of which I tried.)
Now, I don’t understand life entirely, because life and love are giant mysteries, and I still make mistakes…
…but you don’t try and tell Lebron James how to dunk, if you’re really only average at basketball.
The thing is, it’s politically incorrect to say this stuff. Some people are born with beautiful bodies, others with powerful minds.
But people get pissed off when you understand things better than them.
They think they KNOW why they’re acting a certain way. They think they know why they have certain reactions and habits, but usually, they’re really confused about it.
And where at first they loved all my clarity — ’cause I explain why their spouse is behaving a certain why, or why their inspiration is low — but soon they start to resent my gift….
My gift becomes my curse.
Because I’m clear and able to quickly understand things, I’m able to help people feel understood easily.
They love it, it goes great, at first…
I choose to show calm when they’re frustrated, I choose to show solidity when they’re coming unhinged, I choose to show confidence when they’re unsure.
And they love that.
And they start to think I’m some kind of positivity-machine, a robot that will always give them praise.
…Until I consciously choose a darker emotion, or one they don’t understand.
They get pissed off.
Simply because peeps aren’t as natural at understanding things the way I am, then when they’re faced with my completely valid irritation or anger, instead of the nonstop positivity, they snap.
They don’t really try to understand me or my feelings.
They don’t ask questions, they just see their magical positivity source standing up for himself, and they throw a bitch-fit.
They close their minds, throw up whatever defenses they feel will ‘help’, and start labeling me as “mean”, “defensive”, “rough”, or “edgy.”
Hahaha, so adorable.
Good. I want you pissed off. I want you to walk away from one of the most positive, uplifting human beings on the planet because you’re having a hissy fit. That’s a valuable experience.
And this means there are very few people who can engage me in deep understanding, and conversation for prolonged periods.
People have tried to convince me that I should be gentler, but my lack of gentleness is NOT the problem. I’m gentle for 1000s of interactions, showering people with praise and love, and because of my generous positivity, they SNAP if I deliver anything else.
It means I’m lonely, and I’m okay with that, I embrace it.
It means my wisdom, knowledge, and awareness stretch and push people to grow.
It means I’d dearly, dearly love some peers I felt accepted and comfortable with. Some who understood my choices and decisions, or at least wanted to.
And I have a couple, whom I cherish so deeply.
My gift is my curse.
Examples (I have hundreds)
Example 1 – Pissed at dinner.
When I was 27, I made a conscious decision not to hang around people who gossip, judge, and trash-talk others.
Shortly after, I was sharing a meal with my family…
…who are generally extremely nice, loving people, who I praise all day long…
…when a few of them started trash-talking people, relatively innocently, in the restaurant.
They probably didn’t even realize they were doing it. It’s just an automatic habit from society, to criticize others or analyze their behavior, discuss their lives.
I was getting more and more uncomfortable.
My gut told me this experience wasn’t in line with my priorities.
I wondered if I should speak up and cut them off, gently try to change the topic, or leave.
It’s a tough call sometimes. Do you stomp all over your family as they laugh at the lives of others? Do you try and stop a steam-rolling conversation held by 6 other people? Do you abandon them with some fake excuse? Abandon them with the truth? Leave and say “I gotta go, something doesn’t feel right. I’m gonna do some work”?
The last option rang true like a bell.
So I let them know, and I left.
And they all sat around, dumb-founded, that I was leaving mid-meal, you could feel the tension.
They were not pleased at my decision, and thought I was being ‘weird’ and felt awkward.
But here’s the thing – none of them tried to understand my behavior or choice!
No one asked why.
Because if they were really interested in understanding, and they invited it — I would’ve given them a very clear explanation, and in fact, I kinda did.
‘Cause in the days that followed, 1 person asked why I left.
As usual, by far the most open-minded, caring, loving member of my family… Mom.
Mom had the care not to assume, but to instead ask me why I left the restaurant.
So I gave her a clear answer. I explained about my decision, and I pointed out how they were all gossiping about others and I felt our family is better than that.
I told her I wouldn’t participate, but interrupting or going against the conversation felt wrong, so I left.
Moral? Ask sincerely for understanding, and you’ll get it.
Especially from someone like me, who loves understanding of all kinds.
That was an example from years ago, but recently…
…I had 3 different people in one day get pissed off at me for expressing myself.
Hahah, so adorable.
I’m kinda used to this, but 3 in one day inspired this post.
They didn’t get pissed off because I was being unloving, selfish, or mean.
They got pissed because I didn’t give them the response they’d like. They got pissed off because I expressed irritation and took a stand against their bullshit.
Good. I want you pissed off. I want you to walk away from one of the most positive, uplifting human beings on the planet because you’re having a hissy fit. That’s a valuable experience.
Want an example from a couple days ago?
It’s a an awesome story of a client I’d shown INSANE amounts of love, transforming her life in huge ways, in a short time, for free.
She promised to make me a powerful video ‘some day’, but that was the thing… it was “some day.” not “up front.”
So I gave my heart, and she loved every interaction with me, 100s of amazing interactions. More rock-solid positive than anyone they’d ever known, guaranteed.
And I chose to show irritation once, and BAM – she gave up on any communication at all.
Hahaha… so adorable.
Please remind me to not to work with clients who enjoy my over-the-top positivity, but wont even stop to ask why I’m pissed.
Especially for free.
Hahah… Iit’s cool, she’ll be back. Everyone returns to a positive badass 🙂
Read on for the whole story:
A few days ago, Becky told me that I “helped her see God”, “helped her unlock her purpose”, and that I’m someone she’d “trust with her life”…
…suddenly labeled me as “defensive”, then basically ‘snapped’, and gave up’ on our relationship.
Why did Becky do this?
Well, she’ll give one explanation, but her gift is not epic understanding and insight — mine is.
So let’s say she’d probably give some ego-based reason like “Jason’s an asshole”, or “he got angry for no reason”, or “I must’ve hit a nerve for Jason, he’s got issues”…
…but what it really comes down to is her mind being closed, and her having zero interest in understanding my passion, irritation, or anger.
I’m open to her side, maybe I am an asshole, or maybe she hit a nerve. Let me be at peace, open my mind to it, meditate and see if that makes sense…
I got irritated with Becks for a very, very good reason, and I don’t hide my feelings at all. I said goodbye and hung up the chat with her because it was going nowhere, and we could try again later.
Her response? She just snapped, sulked, and gave up.
She’s not comfortable with intense emotion, and doesn’t understand it.
I am, and I do, extremely well.
I’ve lived a life that trained me for it.
Anyway, our conversation was going in circles, I was doing all the work, and she was simply sitting there shooting down my ideas “nope”, “wrong”, “try again J”, etc.
I was failing hard.
And that’s fine, I don’t have to nail every conversation or idea or example.
She wasn’t helping. At all.
I was literally digging deep with every creative example, idea, and solution I could, and all she’d said for ages was some form of “no.”
No, no, no, no… NO.
A “conversation of ‘no’???” Puh-leeze.
Like I’m supposed to be thrilled and jumping for joy about that?
I responded with what she was begging for with her behavior.
If you kick a dog, it will bite you, and if you make the positive guy desperately trying to help you, and teach you some incredible wisdom — for free — run around in circles while you shoot down ideas, EXPECT A LITTLE IRRITATION.
God, I get irritated just talking about it, and I’m glad about that, lol.
Irritation is good.
…I was like “fuck this, you come up with an idea or a solution or an example then.”
And this was all for her curiosity.
The whole thing!
She wanted to know “why I was homeless.” Or another form of it was “was homelessness avoidable?”
Well, I was happy to engage the topic, but I’m not gonna lead a conversation while someone sits around shooting down my ideas, and not even TRYING to understand, co-operate or make the conversation better.
She’s brilliant, and you could tell she wasn’t making any effort. Really, none.
So I displayed irritation, first time I’d ever really showed Becky that side of myself.
And she immediately started throwing the term “defensive” around.
It was cute 🙂
Interestingly, I felt at peace with my irritation, and was proud I’d selected it out of all the emotions I could choose.
Even more interestingly, as she continued to cry “you’re defensive, you’re defensive!”, her tone became agonizingly pained, sharp, and wounded – basically… defensive.
I don’t say this to blame, or to be ‘right’, or to ‘look better’.
I’ve fucked up more than anyone I know, and admitted it, and probably will again.
I mean, I’m homeless for heaven’s sake.
I’m the lowest of the low! Lol.
I have no ego left, at least not any that controls me.
But this wasn’t one of those times.
I’m just stating facts… which I understand very well.
Becky has never used her anger lovingly and consciously, for good.
And so, she can’t even grasp that my anger is being consciously chosen and is utterly pure; non-defensive.
In her world, she’s angry when she’s defensive, and so, I must be the same!
But we are NOT the same.
And I’m pretty confident on topics of harmony, co-operation, teamwork, synergy, and understanding.
IF my friend wanted to achieve co-operation and understanding, she would’ve succeeded much better if she:
- Opened her mind and put aside her labels and knee-jerk emotion.
- Searched and experimented with broad views, and multiple perspectives.
- Asked sincere questions and listened, like “I’m feeling like you’re defensive J, is this true? Are these feelings just issues from my past or my own confusion about anger/love, or are you actually being defensive right now?” — short form: “Dude, I’m curious, are you feeling defensive?”
Heh, maybe I’ll write another post explaining How To Understand Others With Clarity, lol.
…Becky and I have different gifts.
And she was not respecting my natural talents.
Part of my gift is that I understand emotion, and I understand myself, and therefore others, at very high levels.
She forgot about that, and thought I was just some other chump, and now she is missing the insane value I bring.
I’m contacting press, raising funds, and becoming famous, and she’s gonna be one of those stories of people who could’ve cashed in.
Am I great at Tennis? No. An amazing accountant? No. Do I understand and explain things EPICALLY WELL? Eff yes.
I’m a natural at this, and her gifts lay elsewhere.
Becky’s hugely powerful at capturing stories, documenting life, and delivering it to the world.
I totally respect her there.
But she is mostly used by her emotions, reactive instead of responsive, and I’m not.
I use my emotions well. I understand them deeply.
They can be intense, and I’ve had lots of practice.
I’ve been friendly in jail, calm during suicidal rages, and happy while homeless.
And equally cool…
...I can be irritated in what appears to be a ‘normal’ conversation.
Unlike society, I don’t hide my feelings.
Because although I’m one of the nicest, most understanding, non-judgmental, easy-going guys around… I’m still human, I have feelings, and I don’t hide them.
If it feels like someone is continually being un-cooperative in conversation, I make sure to show that I’m pissed.
I don’t hang around gossips at my dinner table, and I don’t stick around for bull-headed chats going nowhere, and I’m very clear about that.
And I don’t give explanations of my behavior unless they’re asked for openly, kindly, with someone seeking understanding.
So what happens when I choose to take a stand?
Do people take a step back, recognize my gifts of clarity & understanding, and think “hey, maybe J knows something I don’t here, maybe I should kindly and innocently ask him whats up?”
They do what Becky did, and react how she reacted.
They knee-jerk-react with their own issues, ego, and misunderstanding.
They drift, they sulk, they separate, and they stop any line of inquiry.
They decide that “Jason’s upset for no reason”, and give up pursuing anything else.
Well let me tell you what’s really up.
The truth is… I’m an animal.
Yep, I am.
We all are, but so many of us try to repress our best animal features. Instincts, gut-feelings, and action without judgment.
Well I embrace those sides of myself. I trust my instincts. I listen to my gut, and I act in ways that feel right to me, without worrying about what others think — no matter what.
If a squirrel or a bird senses that something, anything, is ‘off’ they’ll take off for greener pastures and blue-er skies.
I’m the same way. If something feels like bullshit to me, I’m gone.
And I’ve practiced this, I’ve gotten good at it.
And I know that relationships aren’t so fragile that we can break them by one tiny mistake, assuming you’re ready to fess up to it, learn, and move forward.
Which I am 🙂
Life has fucked me over so hard, so many times, that I just stay in a state of “not really knowing anything,” but trusting my feelings and inspiration, moment to moment.
If you trust your feelings, and the relationship disappears forever, then that person wasn’t a match for you anyway.
Thing is, the people who aren’t a match for me, and can’t roll with my badassness, eventually grow, learn, and come back. They all come back.
‘Cause my gift is my curse, but I’ll always shine it.
Oh, and the icing on the cake?
A similar thing happened AGAIN the same day.
This time with a guy I love deeply, like a brother. I expressed some powerful feelings and he responded first with a knee-jerk reaction of old issues (fine, no surprise there), and then an email with PAGES of assumptions, rhetorical questions, and not a single instance of seeking true understanding or asking my side.
He even had the audacity to subtly compare me to an abusive person, if I recall, lol.
I felt like saying “some parents spank their kids with love, some partners have very rough, borderline ‘abusive’ sex In love, and sometimes I hang up the phone in love.”
But it didn’t feel productive. I’ve learned that no matter how clear I am, I can’t communicate successfully with people who are closed or ruled by their emotions.
So I’d said something like “I feel deeply misunderstood”.
And I was rewarded with no hint of care about my feelings.
Hahah, so adorable.
I’m a man blessed with clarity & understanding, but am I destined to hang with those who are generally clueless in comparison, or are there peers out there for me?
Oh well, having it happen twice in a day inspired this post, which is a nice blend of natural gifts, practice, clarity, and curse, I trust you enjoyed it.
And you choose to get pissed off.
Does someone keep setting a bad example for your kids, no matter how kindly you ask them not to?
Next time it happens, sharpen your tone, snarl at them. Express your anger in ways that don’t harm others, and then stop hanging around them.
Do you feel someone stomping all over your dreams?
Get up and leave, right in the middle, no hesitation, no explanation. Be polite about it, but go ahead and be sharp and abrupt. Express yourself in ways that don’t harm others.
Do you have to keep tolerating someone’s flakiness and wishy-washy decisions, even though you’re always going the extra mile for them?
Speak up, tell them you hate that shit and it pisses you off. You’re allowed to express yourself in ways that don’t harm others.
We live in some insanely politically correct society where everyone things anger is unhealthy.
Anger is NOT unhealthy.
Neither is being pissed off.
But know why you’re doing it, and when, and for what.
Make sure it helps you, and the other person.
Make getting pissed off win-win, even if the other person doesn’t “enjoy” it right away.
And here’s your turn to share—have you ever had any similar experiences, where people didn’t “get you”, “get your gifts”, or even want to?
Or have you ever used anger as love? And gotten pissed for a very, very good reason, not to be mean, but because you saw someone doing something that was hurting yourself and others, and you had to speak up powerfully, only to have people involved misunderstand your anger?
Remember, I want you pissed, it’s a good thing.